Let the Cheap Freaks Pick Over the Carcass

Christopher Matthews (a.k.a., Tweety)
MSNBC TV
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, N.Y. 10112

Dear Chris:

Thanks for your comments on my Hunter S. Thompson tribute piece about two posts down on the Gonzography blogroll. I've been underground from three weeks of harsh escapist reality, and could have easily done another several more, when the good Dr. Gonzo passed on due to karmic events beyond his control, and thus I was left with the odd bit of luck to discover your most recent and unedited email.

That said, however, I'd be more than honored to write a few words for you. Has your producer finally allowed you to share what you have in mind? My prime turf has been the world of Dubya, with an occassional sale to publications in Buenos Aires and Slovakia; that should give you a hint as to where my thought process is at, although the blogworld is just as fun and entertaining as your book, American: Beyond Our Grandest Notions, appears to be. Overall, I tend to gravitate more towards the path less tread, offbeat types of stories, the kind of journalism that seems to float just beneath the surface for weeks at a time, and anything dealing with a society drenched in hypocrisy, pointless military build-ups, vacant political leaders, and failures of our intelligence apparatus on a biblical scale. I have done some movie and book reviews for some far out rags, but the fly-over state crowd keeps sending me nasty emails from Scarborough Country, saying that I gave them a wrong turn on books like Richard Meltzer's LA is the Capital of Kansas, recalling the worst recommendation to date. The rednecks and fundies didn't seem to enjoy that one in the least.

There are any number of storylines to which I could add commentary for your show.

1. An expose on the rampant homosexuality surrounding the GOP. Out here in California, being gay is really no big deal at all and you can even find work in retail or a call center that hasn't yet been outsourced. So far today I met several gay people and none of them asked me to marry in the spring. The idea behind this one is to disturb red state idiots into acceptance by tracing Dubya back to his homoerotic days back at Yale with the former Mayor of Knoxville, and how it shaped administration policy on providing Jeff Gannon (who has kicked off his newest online adventure) an unspeakable level of security clearance for the White House Press Corps, along with the appointment of Ken Mehlman as the new chair of the GOP. This doesn't mean that we are "outing" anyone of note here, but the more we juxtapose homosexuality with the party in control, the sooner gay people can marry without the fear of Moral Majority re-education camps. Somehow I don't think your network will jump at this story.


2. A tragic piece on the state of race relations in "The Sixth Reich," as Hunter once wrote about Las Vegas. I haven't come to a final theme with this storyline just yet; but let's just say that a number of Italians have declared themselves as having a tribe called The Rigatonis and they're moving into formation around the American Freak Kingdom known as The Bellagio.


3. Some sort of seedy examination on the lack of sex scandals in Washington, in light of Condi Rice's apparent state of androgyny whenever she is surrounded by the troops. All of which is very interesting because you can actually watch her behaving in this terrible way, but you can't control the impulse to kick in the TV screen.


4. An in-depth study on "the precarious geography of the mainstream media now that progressive thinkers have tuned out the idiot box and have begun to take over the internet where the agenda is being defined in the next century." This leitmotiv was the subject of a much debated progressive idea seminar with all the big names in attendance - along with a few smaller but louder voices - people like the real conservatives who see the real bullshit being spouted from the mouths of neo-con base, moderate democrats with real diversity in their hearts who can reach out and revitalize minority constituencies who have been shown the backdoor every time they vote, and grounded liberal minds who are tired of being labeled as a block of "activists" who would rather fall on the swords of their causes than move the agenda forward. We'll need some guaranteed publicity in order to attract average people to our movement, like your network did for the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth last summer, which clearly made their message relevant and extremely newsworthy, just because of your news organization's constant free advertising of their claims. It wouldn't take long to organize and the cost to MSNBC would be minimal with the exception of my first class airfare, hotel accommodations, some spending cash and an overactive room service bill once I touch down in New York City.


5. Several of us are considering a trip to Thailand and Indonesia this spring to see how the tsunami relief efforts are going now that nobody is paying much attention. By the time that you receive this email I think many of the players should be set in stone, so just tell me if this story interests MSNBC ... we can cross-charge the expenses for some exclusive coverage now that David Shuster is a persona non grata for the required pre-screening and vaccinations.

That's about all I have to share for now. Your email was a wonderful surprise, of course. I tend to not pay much attention to MSNBC anymore, mainly because of Joe Scarborough and Ron Silver and Pat Buchanan, I suppose, but your occassional story with Seymour Hersh does receive some TiVo time on the voodoo box. As it was with Hunter before he went on to the great beyond all Hemingway-like, the pictures out of Abu Ghraib finally sealed the impression in my mind that The Fourth and Fifth Reich were the CIA and the Pentagon, making Las Vegas its Sixth. Give me a ring on the wireless when you have some time to discuss these and other matters.

Good men must die, but death cannot kill their names.
Team Gonzography