God's Attorney General

Too many French-leaning Americans have been complaining about John Ashcroft. Non God-fearing hacks screech about how he's going after Internet scams when he should be prosecuting Muslims and ransacking mosques. And they whine about him covering up Justice's breasts and call him a nut because he is a deeply religious man who sings like Jim Nabors and thinks that kitties are possessed by Satan.

Let's review some of the important changes that have occurred under his watch:

• much of the government information previously available upon request is now considered secret and cannot be released to the public
  
• the government may watch over what you read and arrest librarians who tell you they're watching
  
• the government may monitor federal prison jailhouse conversations between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes
  
• the government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to assist terror investigation
  
• Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.

Have these people forgotten the Clinton years already? Our god-fearing nation became a slagheap of permissiveness and criminal behavior. Thank God for Ken Starr. During those dark eight years of despair, not one, single American citizen was held without charges being levied against him and nobody was denied access to an attorney. That's commie-pinko logic and bending over for the ACLU. It's certainly not the Pastor General Ashcroft way of administering justice.

Today, you're lucky if you hear a talk radio journalist rant about Clintonian crimes more than 60% of the time, and even then it's little more than a few words tacked onto the end of a sentence. It's like, "President Bush isn't responsible for alienating all of our allies, Clinton caused it", or "President Bush would not have waived the requirement that North Korea allow inspectors to search for plutonium stockpiles if Clinton wasn't dancing around the Oval Office with penis in hand." Sure, all these things are Clinton's fault, but we have excuses to hate him now, when in the past, hatred was enough by itself.

And yes, it's about time to arm Fetus-Americans. It's the only way we'll ever be able to guarantee their safety. No anti-abortion law will do it. The fetus' hosts will just go into a back alley if it's illegal; however, if that fetus is armed, no back alley abortionist is going to go messing around in there. An armed Fetus-American is a safe Fetus American. But it won't be easy, and those stem-cell fat cats are aggressive while Fetus-Americans aren't very smart. They touch themselves inappropriately. They don't see very well, and they have a hard time controlling their movements. They're going to need a lot of training. The NRA is very good at this kind of thing. Their Eddy the Eagle program for children is outstanding. I'm thinking they could use the lessons they've learned there to create a Freddy the Fetus program. They'll have those little bastards nailing gynecologists in no time.

First comes Jesus, then comes Smith and Wesson.