Pat Robertson Presents: The 700 Club Guide to Terrorism

Another Election Day has come and gone. That day brings back sentimental memories of my life as young Christian lad trying to find his way in the Lord's universe. One of the fondest recollections I have of my God-fearing mother is a warm summer morning many years ago ... in the heartland of America. It was the Fourth of July, and I was just a boy trying to please mommy. I asked her what gift she wanted most from our nation's birthday, and she wanted only one thing. She had me call all the mosques and temples in liberal New York and shout "heathen bastards" at them for observing gutter religious services on this country's birthday.

After she put back a couple more mint juleps on the porch, she calmed down long enough for her young son to give her a tight hug for our nation's birthday. These warm recollections of my mother lead me to pay homage to another of America's greatest parents: George W. Bush.

If I could take a moment and call the President this nation's "father," even if his own children don't call him at all.

But the purpose of this presentation is a guide to the most grave threat to the American family - Terrorism. In it, I will lay out the facts and speak with you honestly about this ghastly world movement, and many times I may even get into the darker, more salacious aspects of this vile undertaking because all good Christians need to understand the dangers. It may even prevent you from speaking with people who wear laundry on their heads or write scribbly-looking languages which are the work of satanic influences and a liberal high court trying to protect these heathen minions of extremism.

A terrorism manual for the information age? your local democratic official may sneer. Why, all that jibberish about moral decency is just a bunch of hogwash! Well, is it, friends? Take a good look around, ladies and gents, at the dangers that surround us in today's "anything can be debated" political world. Everywhere a Christian turns, he or she is hammered with waves of hedonistic filth on cable news television -- Osama Bin Laden videos, obsence images of Yassar Arafat, indecent interviews with islamic extremists, lurid documentaries about liberal leaders, vile photographs of dead US soldiers, tantalizing commercials between new segments, depraved beheadings, suggestive comments by commie appeasers, immoral attempts to negotiate with killers and shameless zoos of gathering muslims throwing rocks and molotov cocktails at our tanks.

It's enough to make you heave your lunch. But, personally, after a scan of my satellite TV news offerings late last week, I knew it was time to speak the facts about these terrorist groups. As a matter of fact, I think I'm already getting nauseous, and I haven't even mentioned the first despicable group. Make no mistake about it, however, our national father - George W. Bush, who we affectionately know as "Dubya" - will bring terrorists to justice, and he isn't just talking about Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network. The President has said America will go after terrorist groups with Christian teachings at his constant side. The tools used will change with the circumstances, he has said. In some cases that may mean military action and, in others, wholesale starvation of the beast, cultural infiltration of radical elements or strongarm tactics by Pastor General John Ashcroft, once the commies in the media let him.

In the mean time, here is a short list of terror groups that threaten American Christians, its allies and ministries, based on U.S. State Department data:

Al-Jihad: This Egyptian group seeks an Islamic state in Egypt and attacks U.S. and Israeli interests in Egypt and abroad. The original Al-Jihad was responsible for the 1981 assassination of Egyptian President Anwar Sadat. Several hundred hard-core members operate in Cairo, but the group's network outside Egypt includes Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Sudan, Lebanon and the United Kingdom. Egypt claims Iran and Osama bin Laden support the Jihad. These cretins are illiterate, demonic morons who will stop at nothing because they are from Hell and don't give a care about what happens to anyone here. Just one shot at Cairo - a single high-yield nuke - may be the only reliable means of dealing with them.

Hezbollah: Its many aliases include Islamic Jihad, Revolutionary Justice Organization, Organization of the Oppressed on Earth, and Islamic Jihad for the Liberation of Palestine. This radical Shiite Muslim group is dedicated to increasing its political power in Lebanon and opposing Israel through the acts of camel bombing and man-boy rape. Hezbollah took part in the suicide truck bombing of the U.S. Embassy and U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut in October 1983. It has only a few hundred terrorist operatives, but thousands of supporters. Even though they have sworn the destruction of Israel, they are just like Jews except they don't know how to run a business. Their leadership wears towels on their heads and floss their teeth with rope. The Mossad profile says that they are easily detected from a foul odor, thick eyeglasses, pee stains on their pants and this daytime song they sing by clucking their tongues. Not even a Frenchman would have dinner with these imbeciles.

HAMAS: Also called the Islamic Resistance Movement, this group formed in late 1987 from the Palestinian branch of the Muslim Brotherhood. It has a political arm, but includes terrorism in pursuit of an Islamic Palestinian state in place of Israel. HAMAS works through mosques and social service institutions to recruit, raise money, organize activities and distribute propaganda. Activists have attacked many Goodwill Industries sweatshops in defiance of Bush 41's Americans with Disabilities Act. Officials estimate it has tens of thousands of supporters and sympathizers. It receives funds from Palestinian expatriates, Iran, and benefactors in moderate Arab states, Europe and North America. Somehow this group has brainwashed its followers to believe that their appliances, brick walls, and public buses are symbols of oppression, and since that time they have dedicated themselves to the destruction of all of these things. Clearly this is a fanatical terrorist element because they are perfectly comfortable living without sofas, toilets or eating utensils.

Aum Supreme Truth: Also known as Aum Shinri-kyo, the group gained infamy for releasing sarin nerve agent in the Tokyo subway system, killing 12 people and injuring up to 6,000. Established in 1987, the Aum aimed to take over Japan through the hidden clues found in Godzilla movies, then the world. It adopted a view that the United States would initiate Armageddon by starting World War III with Japan. Control changed hands in 2000, and under Fumihiro Joyu the Aum changed its name to Aleph and now claims to reject the teachings of its founder. The United States has refused to sign the Kyoto treaty with the hope that high-levels of mercury consumption will eventually rot the collective brain of this group. Their tactics have been reduced to emotional assaults on public restrooms with high explosives, fish heads, and swords. Then they solicit tourists to take pictures of them re-enacting the operation.

Basque Fatherland and Liberty: Known by its Basque initials, ETA, the group was founded in 1959 with the aim of establishing an independent, Marxist homeland in the border area between Spain and France. The group has killed more than 800 people and targets primarily Spanish officials. It finances activities through kidnapping, shoplifting, robbery, stealing mexican recipes and extortion. Estimated membership is in the hundreds. This group has repeatedly abducted Madrid secretaries but has to pay these corporations to accept them back. They have also resisted going to soccer matches all over the country. ETA is still the only terrorist group to be condemned by the International Red Cross for "incessant whining" over not getting enough attention.

Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine-General Command violently opposes Yasser Arafat's PLO since he stopped bathing in 1989. Closely tied to Syria and Iran, its focus is on guerrilla operations in southern Lebanon and small-scale, summerstock re-enactments of Black September operations in Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip. Its several hundred members are based in Syria and receive funds from Iran. They cannot decide if they are terrorists or left-leaning actors like Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon, but they would like to have a nation they can call their own where they can make a few important decisions before issuing their demands.

Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia: Established in 1964 by the Colombian Communist Party, FARC is Colombia's oldest, largest, most capable and best-equipped Marxist insurgency. It operates with impunity in many areas of the country. It engages in bombings, murder, kidnapping, extortion, hijacking, and guerrilla and conventional war against Colombian political, military and economic targets because it can. There are 9,000 to 12,000 armed members and an unknown number of supporters, mostly in rural areas. Cuba provides some medical care and political consultation. Like most sociopaths in this part of the world, these jackasses would gravitate to fanaticism of any kind. They have a thing for mortar barrages followed by huge numbers of coffee-smelling peasants rushing down from the hills with Uzi's in hand, pillaging the countryside for bananas and tacos.

Expressive Gay Men: Also known as faggots, homos, queers and queens, this abhorrent collection of athiestic deviants reject the teachings of Jesus by hopelessly shoving their incessant need to fight, cry, sue and complain until American society recognizes their right to sodomize teenage boys with impunity. The movement is aimed against the teachings of Christ, the United States, love of the Greek homlands and the destruction of the European Union. Responsible for the corruption of the Bravo channel and the increase of pornography on the internet, its most recent victim was U.S. Representative Ed Schrock - a wonderful congressman and a good personal friend. Located in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York City, get three or four straight male friends, corner the first militant gay man and try to sway him back to the teachings of Jesus Christ. If he does not submit to the Lord, beat the God-loving tar out of him, take his wallet - make sure you wear rubber gloves so you don't get infected - and treat yourselves to some flapjacks at Denny's.

League of Women Voters: They can be found in shopping malls, expensive restaurants, hair salons, spas and tennis clubs. They are a well organized kabal of cacophonous, dried-up, nipped-and-tucked, Slim Fast-guzzling, wrinkled, old retards who married balding, childish psychology professors with little masculinity and believe they deserve the same rights as men because they have the need to wax their upper lips and have arm hair. Their terrorist activities involve abusing credit card debt, refusing to make breakfast or offer sex, and turning their college-age daughters into narcoticized zombies. Battling against popular insurgencies is a frightful experience because they imitate Gloria Allred when confronted with facts. Try an interior decorator, a leased Benz or a weekend away together at a Christian retreat center.

Democrats: They cannot decide whether they are hedonistic pedophiles or just "flip-floppers," but they are now confined to the coastal areas of the continental United States. They are a group of loosely organized, well-spoken chowderheads who regard Communism as a fancy term for national health care and planned parenthood. Democrats suffer from outbreaks of syphilis and gonorrhea because of their constant need for perversion and pay-per-view pornography. Their overall effectiveness can be reduced by placing God-fearing propositions on state ballots and by listening to conservative talk radio for weeks at a time. During moments of heated debate, they can be extremely dangerous when you take away tax revenue because they are degenerate spenders. They belch after eating meals in public places and have terrible oral hygiene. In college, their extra-curricular activity fixates on trafficking illegal drugs at terrifyingly high prices. Given the opportunity, most members would become lawyers with the ACLU and teach children the joys of homosexuality. At our last check, many have.

That's the terrorism guide for now, learned Christians, and I wish you a successful battle against these insurgents. And don't worry about making mistakes if you studied this list carefully. Our terrorist enemies come in all shapes and sizes - some drive planes into buildings and others try to marry men or eject the unborn. We are going to win the battle against terror, and we'll come out of this together and stronger. By His grace and by the united action of all of us, this great country is going to overcome whatever terrorism is coming against it. We may suffer some hits in the courts that will be very painful. But we are not going to succumb to terror. We're not going to knuckle under any of these groups. And I hope and pray that out of some difficult days that may be ahead of us we can once again say, as we do in our pledge of allegiance, we are part of "one nation under God."