Memoirs of a Wretched Newsday in America

If I were a soldier overseas wanting to defend my country, I'd want to ask the Secretary of Defense the same question, and that is, are we getting the best we can get us?
- In his own unique fashion, Dubya empathizes with troops who have been without adequate armor for two years, Washington, D.C., Dec. 9, 2004

Slow news days are a depressing event in the business of mainstream media. These are the days - often reserved for Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and almost always Saturdays - when Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer reports from a college campus in prime time, and Joe Scarborough leads off with a story about military wives refusing to wash their matching sweatsuits - while a couple of well-placed fascists like RNC spokesman Jack Burkman or Senator John Kyl or free-lance freakazoid Pat Buchanan calls them un-American - until their loved ones are no longer vaporizing insurgents in Fallujah and Ramadi.

MSNBC will release an hour long special report featuring grim reminders of "The Power of Morality at the Polls." Racist Radical Cleric Jerry Falwell will suddenly appear to debate the evils of sodomy and gay sex, along with the rise of unwanted pregnancies leading to faux-late-term abortions ... and Peter Jennings can be seen dozing off, by the first commercial break, rambling furiously about cats infected with syphilis and treatments for skin cancer and the extreme flaws found in the administration's position on public transportation.

The early news feeds on the satellite dish had Fidel Castro standing off against Christmas, among his reasons for delaying the latest shipment of Havanas; a Greek bus hostage siege ended peacefully when all 23 passengers were freed and police revealed that the two armed gunmen were angry for being Albanian; and a popular item for holiday shoppers in Japan was reported to be the "lap pillow" - skin-colored polyurethene calves folded under soft thighs - a comfy cushion for napping, reading or watching television. The 9,429 yen ($90) pillow, which comes with one red and one black skirt, went on sale in late November and maker Trane Co Ltd says shipments have reached 3,000 in just a few weeks.

Even Bill O'Reilly was stunned, blubbering uncontrollably on FOX about his December 3rd remark to a caller to "go to Israel" if the caller didn't like Christmas celebrations in public schools. Responding to a letter written to O'Reilly finding great objection with his comments, Jewish Council for Public Affairs (JCPA) executive director Hannah Rosenthal discussed the issue with him on the December 14 broadcast of The Radio Factor with Bill O'Reilly. During their conversation, O'Reilly again falsely claimed that Media Matters for America had taken his comment "out of context" and also continued his attacks on Anti-Defamation League (ADL) president Abraham Foxman.

You picked it up from a website that exists only to smear this program. All right? It's sneaky -- it takes things out of context -- and you were used -- you and your fine organization. And I've raised millions of dollars for Israel, by the way. You oughta check that. But you and your fine organization was [sic] used by this far left, deceitful, disgusting website, which has tried to engender an anti-Jewish bias when none exists. And Foxman was used -- B'nai Brith were used -- they were all used. None of them heard it [O'Reilly's December 3 remark], and all of them jumped to the wrong conclusion.

The decomposing pig that is Bill O'Reilly should have killed it right there ... but a pig in a three piece suit is still a swine, and the rabid attack continued with all the false alarm of an enhanced bimbo losing her halter top at the Playboy Mansion, "You character assassins on the left wing websites. Can you hear me all right? Should I speak up a little for you? Speak slower so you can take my words outta context? You weasel! I mean you guys really are despicable weasels."

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For a slow news cycle that should have been enough, even for a day when "Redrum" Rumsfeld was still not dangling from a cold noose in the West Wing - but as the hours crept along, there was more:

Wednesday was Alan Freed's birthday - the man who invented the concept of "payola" in the music business - and also Ludwig von Beethoven's; Walt Disney was put into suspended animation in a cryogenic tank in 1966; Rob Reiner decided to not take an ugly pass at the Califonia governor's mansion until 2010 [via Kos], at the earliest, or at least until the Gropinator blows a gasket with a female aide; and in New England, Bill Belichick was preparing his team to defend its Super Bowl title with or without Charlie Weis, his offensive coordinator set to take the reigns of the Fighting Irish in South Bend.

So much for the news of the day. Rumsfeld will be lucky to last another month, if he doesn't get fragged by angry Marines in Baghdad or find himself whacked by the Pentagon lifers. The names of Wolfowitz, Feith and Cheney are no small laughing matters in the vaunted chamber of horrors that is Dubya, Incorporated, which hijacked and humiliated the world's largest democracy with a gang of psychotic operatives hellbent on debauchery and destruction from the outskirts of Crawford. And on a lighter note: Zell Miller, also known as Senator Foghorn Leghorn when he's not challenging Chris Matthews to a duel or calling Maureen Dowd "a hussy" - the last vestige of the degenerate Dixiecrat plague - has accepted a job at FOX as a commentator, where he will offer heart warming stories on the state of delusions in the Old South, wrapped in a Confederate flag and sharing tales of down-home segregation.

In the land of Dubyaville, even the ignorant come armed with suitcases of cash.