Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Michelle Malkin Meets Mattel
Mistress Michelle Meets Mattel ... Suspended Somewhere Between a Newsroom and a Brothel

"Any good time had while wearing pajamas. Positive, uplifting experience. Can be a party of one or several. Not to be confused with a pajama party, although it would fit in some circumstances."
Example: We stayed up late last night and had a pajamaramalamadingdong of a time blogging about the Nazi impulses surrounding Michelle Mattel's opinions of Arab Americans."

Babiecakes - received your postcard last night and I was immediately left astonished by that alluring scent of Christian Dior and the scribbled Cupid's arrow on its back, pointing to "our beachfront getaway." What getaway? Have you moved back to Koreatown? I guess it's not such an extraordinary concept, considering your vast and wayward history in Los Angeles. Did you already find work down there and do you need me to rough up that crappy editor of yours?

Anyways, don't send any more of your designer wardrobe to my Hermosa Beach compound. Hang onto those things until the contractors are done expanding the deck and the bedroom. The fellas might rifle through your nighties and things, and I'm not much of a garment policeman. As of right now it seems like you can move your things back into the pleasure hut in about ten days or so. The general contractor, a stocky and hirsute 310-pound Chicano surfer dude named Pedro D. Infringement, has been a bit sluggish in pouring the concrete, and the constant hammering has been a huge distraction from completing my book. It's been going badly for about a month now; I'm yelling more and writing even less. The agent has been checking in daily, telling me that the characters are borish and that I should stay clear of your hypnotic seductiveness until I get the plot better aligned. Personally, the criticism has been a little too much to bear - and it's about the last thing I need. "A brilliantly crafted tale of political intrigue and cultural upheaval," he barked into my voice mail this morning, "but it needs ... " And so the tiring beat continues, like we're distant vessels breaking against a raging sea ...

I trust you're having better luck with your blog and media appearances. FOX is a tough line up to crack, it seems, even for a woman of your innate talents. Might I suggest an approach more in line with a hot asian incall escort selling a GFE service for the newsboys in the production silo - which I've heard stands for girl friend experience in the adult entertainment business - so that way you're not obligated to go that far with an undesirable client such as Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity or Brit Hume. But caveat emptor, my girl. Once you've travelled down that slippery slope, you would be nothing more than Ann Coulter with a better ratchet set and all that would be left of your destiny would be the occassional semi-nude appearance on HBO's Cathouse or an edition of Girls Gone Wild: The Kinky Blogger Edition or working the casino lobby in Vegas when the Shriners and Bar Association hit town. Then no one would look at your blog and the advertising dollars would dry up, unless you parsed out some space to the online seek-and-screw databases that seem to be the rage on the internet these days - the very services that Jeff "Bulldog" Gannon and Laura "grace919" Ingraham have been found to frequent under assumed names borne from years of cathartic alterego addiction. Even then, I still can't think of a compelling reason why you would subjugate yourself to such a creepy quid pro quo anyways, and these types of things seem to get straightened out rather quickly if you lay down the law on sexual advances. But it's a thought that must occupy your imagination from time to time.

A rumor hit my email the other day - to jump into another subject - that the editorial staff of the Caracas Herald is searching for a new Op-Ed contributor of note. Would you be kind enough to shake the tree on this for me? Clearly my South American Rolodex needs brushing up and I wouldn't even know who to contact. With all your powerful connections in the World Press you could probably snoop something out rather quickly. The fishwrap was something of a ruse, if memory serves me correctly, but it would be right up my alley, or yours, even if they offered a mere pittance in terms of contributor's fees. If you come across anything noteworthy, drop on by the compound with a nice Syrah and two or three jars of Nutella because it could get kinky.

Now for observations from your blog - Do I detect just a change in your hairstyle or did you go under the knife recently? You disappeared there for about three weeks; and the contrast with your old photographs to this new one on your site has got the better part of my imagination all riled up. Not sure why it caught me this way, but you seem to have one of those permanent surprise expressions found on those thirty-something women with more plastic than Mattel who saunter freely along the mean streets of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills ... and I was wondering how much work you had done. Even my personal assistant, Uma T. Vogue, a nubile young Aryan lass who delivers the morning latte and inspirational backrub, has noticed that the shape of your face is more narrow. God only knows how much plastic surgery and dental bleaching really costs these days and whether you got one of those pro bono semi-celebrity deals; I'd rather examine you with my own two eyes and other sensory exploits too carnal to mention in this space.

As I look back over the first page of this message, the language seems rather dim and non-linear. So I have attached a short article I just finished for the Arizona Republic on the military offering free cosmetic surgery to recruits and active soldiers that "compensates for the tremendous sacrifices they are called upon to make" in the name of God and Country. I have also enclosed some other ideas on sculpting your otherwise provocative appearance, and what some of these procedures mean in layman's terms, even if you have received some of these already - and I hope you at least got number three and number six in anticipation of our next "journalistic" endeavor:

  1. Rhinoplasty - is considered to be one of the most gratifying plastic surgeries to receive, because the patient often will find their entire facial aesthetic modified.

  2. Chin and Cheek Implants - Cheek implants are one of the most popular surgeries in Hollywood, because they make the face appear more youthful and less tired. The cheek implant is placed through an incision just inside the mouth. This creates a partial face lift, which makes the patient look younger.

  3. Breast Augmentation - is one of the most frequently requested surgeries. Implants are inserted behind the breast tissue of each breast or behind the pectoralis major muscle thereby increasing the size of the breast. Silicone implants are made of thick material and filled with either saline or an antibiotic solution during the operation.

  4. Blepharoplasty - is the name of the plastic surgery procedure that corrects aging eyelids. This surgery helps a person look alert and rejuventated. Most patients need an upper and lower procedure. The surgery is often covered by insurance if the upper eye lids droop so much that they obscure vision. The price range for surgery is $3000 to $4000.

  5. Brow Lift - A brow lift is wonderful for treating a tired upper face. It can help eliminate droopy eyebrows, forehead lines, and frown lines that come with age. Sometimes a brown lift is combined with a face lift to help eliminate age.

  6. Liposuction - is the most popular cosmetic surgery in the world. The procedure has evolved to include liposculpture and ultrasonic liposculpture. Ultrasonic liposculpture is a technique in which a metal probe is inserted through an incision in the skin into the depths of the fatty compartments of the body. The probe is moved back and forth in different directions. Next, the fat is removed using the routine liposuction technique. Unfortunately, the use the the ultrasound machine increases the length of the incision because of the size of the probe that is inserted.

As for me, I'm a writer, an enigma, a keen observer, an inspirational conversationalist, a true artist, a thinking man's journalist, a heat-seeking searcher of fun and profit - and, generally speaking, a battle-tested svengali of note who will stand the test of time. If it occurs to you suddenly that I am trying to lay down a slam on your right wing inclinations, don't even go there. Because I'm content to let you be who you really are, even if you got an extreme makeover to jumpstart the career. Politics and personal appearances are important, of course, but I prefer people when you get right down to it.

Anyways, if the article interests or inspires a couple of blog entries, please make sure you credit the source. I'm going to let the newspaper print it as is, but if you have any additional insights that I may have overlooked I'll be sure to quote you fully and not cut-and-paste your explanations into a misleading byline. Also, please send me some of those bikini shots we took in Cozumel so I'll know if you went under the knife for sure.

Until our next distorted and concupiscent rendezvous,
Team Gonzography


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