Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Mc Same


Thursday, July 19, 2007

This Obama You Speak Of, Can He Run With The Bulls(hit)?

Trickie Dickie Redux ... Ho, ho, ho, Sparky, these fuckers are so dumb they play naked poker with prostitutes at the Watergate Hotel ... Oh, the humanity! ... Start your engines, Democrats, and don't say anything dumb ... Karl better be studying his E. Howard Hunt tapes before the Feds put him on the Magical Mystery tour and Fitzgerald orders the Grand Jury to paint his fence ... Presidential approval numbers have been setting the Way Back Machine to 1974, right about that time when Colson, facing arrest, had a life-changing brush with Jesus as a close friend tossed him a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity ... Take a long look inside, Dubya himself will remove the "H" and "C" keys from every computer in the Big House.

"Steps we're taking will help address the problem of availability, but it's not going to solve it. Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don't buy gas if you don't need it."
- Dubya proposes that Americans don't buy gas at $3-$4/gallon just because he says so, Washington, D.C., September 1, 2005

*** sound of crickets chirping ***
- Americans waiting for a solution, USA, July 19, 2007

"[Dubya] is a humorless stump of a being and has been a career incompetent at anything he has ever touched and will go down in history as having committed more crimes and treasonous behavior in and around the White House than Richard Nixon would have been convicted had he not resigned first ... Trickie Dick was a genetically engineered miscarriage of a preznut and so is Dubya. They both have come to personify what H.L. Mencken once described as 'the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.'"
- Team Gonzography, Mea Culpas at the Sunset of the American Century, December 30, 2004

[speaking of an improvised scene] "Just before the take, he comes back to where we were all waiting and he says, 'Okay guys, this is what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go bop bop bop ... whooooap, and then we'll all start dancing.' And I was like, 'okay,' and then he was gone, and then it was rolling, and then it was action, and then we were like, in the scene, and he did this thing, and we all, like, did it with him, and it was just... it was...amazing!"
- Lawrence Fishburne, Actor

"One night, he and George Plimpton and I went to Madison Square Garden to see the fights. And, finally, we left the Garden and there were the three of us, him, Plimpton and I on 8th Avenue and 31st Street and all of the sudden we were surrounded by a tight, unbroken ring of young black men, and the three of us looked at each other and thought, 'well...what's this?' And they just stood there staring at us ... and then the leader of them stepped forward, put his belly against his, and said, 'Man, you are the coolest white man in America.' And, I said to him, 'That is the best compliment you will get as long as you live.'"
- James Lipton, Actor/Host of "The Actors Studio"

"Some people got poetry in their blood and some don't. His is so difficult to track. It's hard to figure out whether it's angelic or satanic. But it is certainly poetic."
- Sean Penn, Actor

"Hey fellas, I put my pants on one leg at a time like everybody. But once my pants are on, I make gold records."
- Upon my release from prison.

"I remember that. I was talking to my attorney and I said how great it would be if he had a tail because I have animals and a tail is so expressive. On a cat you can tell everything. You can tell if they're annoyed. You can tell whether they're scared."
- Sizing up the DA, Superior Court Los Angeles County

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Better Dumb Than Original


"Sucker" Carlson
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY

Dearest Tucker:
This is to inform you that I have retraced steps on the offer to take the producer vacancy for your show and wish to have it voided immediately. After watching your network continue on its tedious downward spiral into abject insanity and religious fanaticism over these past few months I've decided that I could not, in good conscience, serve your network or show in any capacity. Nor would I feel a sense of personal security while representing any form of disinformation or thought terrorism inside our own borders.

I refer specifically to your bizarre distrortions in particular, having compared Democratic efforts to keep track of racial data to those practiced by Heinrich Himmler, Nazi Germany's Gestapo head and SS chief, and insisting that grouchy feminists with mustaches controlled the [Democratic] party and that nobody prevented anyone from voting in Florida during the 2000 Presidential campaign. I am neither a grouchy feminist nor an advocate of organized demonstrations, but my sense or personal karma would be entirely rattled by the nightly spectacle of watching a tiny group of right wing fanatics howling at the calumniation machine whose selective amnesia over the facts and public policy which has already caused thousands of Americans to be killed for no good reason. On the day after John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention you also stated that the Senator's plan was to have other "dark skinned foreigners from the Middle East [to] fight our war for us," which has left MSNBC in a position very much resembling the Gestapo's during the Spanish Civil War, serving up the free thinkers and contrarians to the right wing slaughterhouse known as pundit TV.

As a lifelong progressive and fiscal conservative I cannot be dismissed as one of those tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists or an incompetent blue state minority-interest liberal freakshow peacenik. Nor am I totally ignorant of foreign affairs and military policy - nor have I been giving the Democratic party a free pass on their mistakes either, because most of them signed on for the Baghdad revival tour as well. In 1984 and 1985 I spent more time defending our country abroad in many, many late night arguments with elitist Europeans than I did earning a paycheck overseas. But since 2000, I would hate to be over there now, left with a cabal of outraged Euros to explain our delusions about God, Country and Iraqi colonization.

It is indeed a fact that I actively supported Clinton in 1992 and John Kerry in 2004 - but in the case of Dubya's re-election I have been sadly disappointed by my fellow Americans. The categorical failures of the U.S. in the Middle East are not nearly so disturbing as the implications of our actions. Which country of dark-skinned heathens do we bomb next? Will Dubya invade Bangalore once there are no more call center jobs in Little Rock? Does the right wing want to put the entire Muslim world on another set of reservations? Can you seriously defend any Administration who gets its foreign policy advice from Dick Cheney and Condi Rice? Is it a fact, as I have read and heard, that even the staunchest conservatives are worried that the failure to ratify an Iraqi Constitution underscores Rumsfeld's intention to provoke Iran and Syria into another costly war - so that Dubya can crown himself Emperor with a Supreme Court packed with a fresh pair of cronies who regard habius corpus as nothing more than a minor inconvenience?

If this is where we are going as a country, count me out. If these corporate lackeys in the White House really do intend to go into another country to defend us from "smoking guns" and "mushroom clouds" I have no intention of being an American any longer, regardless of the evidence that they might fabricate. Beyond that, I can only wish you a terribly short lifespan on MSNBC TV.

In conclusion, it would be perfectly American to offer a solution - so I can't be labeled a frustrated leftist with no alternative to what I so deleriously oppose. Here it is - in a nutshell. We should get the hell out of Iraq and not apologize for this idiotic conflict to anyone. We really had no business being there in the first place and there are certainly more important things we can do with the US Treasury. We cannot possibly succeed with Democracy Iraqi-style, any more than Hitler could with the Eastern Front. And that money could be spent so much more wisely right here in the good old USA by getting us weaned off of the OPEC nipple stuffed so firmly down our throats.

So, let's fold up the tents. Call it what you must and let's admit it quietly to ourselves that we cannot afford to spill any more dollars or blood. And stop trying to force feed the American public with all this hollow drivel about the need to democratize a region of the planet where Baywatch is considered pornography. Iraq is a destroyed country for another two generations and they are not going to bomb or invade us any time soon. Iran and North Korea, at last check, have the bomb and neither country has gone Dr. Strangelove on Los Angeles or Tel Aviv. And I really don't think that I have to explain why to you any further.

At any rate, those are my simple ideas. You never asked for them - but then again I never asked for yours either on a nightly basis. If Kerry had been elected I believe he would have us on the way out of there by now, while conservatives like you have us knee-deep in the bullshit. So it's a GOP war, and I demand that your political friends and party bogeymen find a way to handle it without my help. The freaks that line the walls of the conservative movement are eating away at our once-proud way of life, much in the way that an unhealthy digestive tract packed with years of human waste needs a good flushing. We cannot claim victory in Iraq without eventually killing us all, and - unless you wake up and start acting like a rational human being instead of the batshit political fiend you play on TV - you and your kind will wake up some day in Gitmo, with a mob of outraged rednecks beating you with rubber hoses for a simple explanation and why you supported a moron with a bullhorn when he said Saddam Hussein had WMD.

Your friends in Christ,
Team Gonzography

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Democracy Dies in America, But Few Seem to Really Care


"We want this city to re-emerge. As I said, I can't imagine America without a vibrant New Orleans. It's just a matter of timing. We're cautious about encouraging people to return at this moment of history."
- Has Dick Cheney already landed there and declared New Orleans a parking lot for Halliburton? Washington, D.C., September 19, 2005

"Listen, I, I, I wanna to thank, uhh, leaders of the -- in the faith, and uhh -- faith-based and community-based community for being here, we've got people who represent thousands of volunteers who are in the midst of helping save lives.
- Not sure if we really need a definition for "community-based community", White House, September 6, 2005

"Here's what I believe. I believe that the great city of New Orleans will rise again and be a greater city of New Orleans. I believe the town where I used to come -- from Houston, Texas, to enjoy myself, occasionally too much -- will be that very same town, that it will be a better place to come to."
- Dubya pledges to make New Orleans a frat boy party town once again, New Orleans, Louisiana, September 2, 2005

"Well, I could be wrong, but I believe - uh - diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era."
- Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Hector Straussman, my Paraguayan press agent, called me collect from Washington last night and told me that I was seriously wrong and mistaken about Our Child Preznut. "I know you won't believe this shit," he said, "but Dubya is a very different person than the way they make him out to be on television - and everything you've been saying about him is all wrong. I just figured that you oughta know ... "

I reminded Hector that his grandparents were escaped Nazi's and told him I would call back after the Cowboys-Redskins tilt, which was suddenly getting interesting. I was getting three points, and Dallas had just missed a field goal ... Dubya could have been Jimmy the Greek at that moment: He was dead to me. The whole fallout from the FEMA chinese fire drill was like the sound of a dripping faucet in the darkness, even though ESPN was getting all Jerry Lewis-like with its telethon.

But Hector ignored me, persistent with his line of thought ... He sounded very creepy and eerily drained, like he had spent the entire weekend hardwired with little electrodes attached to his brain beaming only FOX News. He babbled something about Dubya not being what anyone thought he was - that deep within him, beyond the cameras, lurked the shadow of genuine poet-warrior and part-time philosopher laureate.

"He is more intelligent than Ben Franklin," Hector said. "When it's all said and done, he will be bigger than FDR and will stand in history larger than Abraham Lincoln on his best day."

I almost choked on my tongue. "You lying bastard," I shot back. "I knew that your Nazi genes would infect you someday. Are you on the payroll now? Christ, you sound like Armstrong Williams."

"You, of all people, need to know the truth," he said. "I'm just trying to clue you in before the march of history spells doom on your work. And it's really good work ... by the way." ... His cellphone started ringing and I could hear passing cars in the distance, then Hector returned back to the payphone receiver speaking all kinds of twisted mumbo jumbo.

"Buddy, the president - Dubya - has read your work," he was stammering, almost incoherently. "They had me up at the Big House last night, all alone with the man. We drank Wild Turkey in front of the fireplace and ate some of the tastiest chicken fingers I ever had and listened to the his Coldplay collection and Dubya got a little emotional about things in New Orleans, then he went on and told me he was the last great social engineer left in the American political landscape, in the time honored tradition of B.F. Skinner and LBJ's Great Society."

"Never!" I shouted. "And don't ever try drinking with me again. The concept of drinking with somebody who once drank with Dubya is too much to handle. Don't you know it's the two minute warning?"

I sighed heavily. He finally lost his way, just like Christopher Hitchens did after 9/11. But here was Hector Straussman - one of the meanest and deadliest sharks in the publicist game - telling me how he had spent an entire night debating with Dubya about the relationship between the Greek and Roman cultures and how they influenced Alighieri's concept of Hell in Dante's Inferno and how the Romans stole almost their entire civilization from the Greeks except the notion of sin ... smoking Gauloises Blondes cigarettes and shedding tears at times while the preznut kept playing and replaying All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix on his 60GB iPod, belting out the familiar guitar riffs which felt more like a wall of feedback and distortion careening out of control by way of an alabaster-colored Bose SoundDock.

"Awesome rig," Hector said, "he must have 5,000 illegally downloaded songs on that thing, but Dubya swears it's his personal stash and he never makes CD copies ... The man really appreciates music, especially classic rock-and-roll and heavy metal. He even has Metallica and U2 bootlegs on his backup harddrive, which he got from the bands themselves."

Better get my phone lines swept for bugs, I thought. They finally flipped someone close to me, just like John Gotti felt when he learned that Sammy the Bull reached out for the Federal Witness Protection program; Hector jumped ship and he's landed in their camp.

"You treacherous freak! Don't ever call this number anymore!" I shouted at him. "I'm leaving for Mazatlan tomorrow, uh, for an extended vacation. I don't know where you got my number, but lose it! For the hundredth time, stay away from me!"

"Moron!" he shouted. "You know with these connections I could get you on Air Force One for the next trip to New Orleans? It would be me, you, Dubya and the Neville Brothers. We could survey the damage and discuss the events of the day with the president, eat some gumbo, get a leg up with the locals. We would be on the A-list, partner." ... and then he stated telling me how the preznut - half-crazed on absinthe and curious intentions, with yet another powerful hurricane bearing down on the Gulf Coast - would be arriving in the Crescent City this weekend with no Secret Service protection and a red Lamborghini Diablo Roadster Momo with a 10-pack CD changer and its original Italian license plates.

It was a difficult thing to swallow. Hector was a true professional, at one time - and Dubya's daddy was a former Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. This was a curious and uncanny coincidence; and especially unusual, given Hector's strange fixation on Dubya, which made me uncomfortable and extremely suspicious.

"You know why he likes you?" Hector said. "He likes you because you butcher Scripture just like he does. Dubya loves a little Scripture. He can recite The Book of Revelations from top to bottom with no breaks." Right about there, Hector's voice became shallow and seemed more distant than before:

"And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen ... " Hector paused for a long moment, then he continued with a solitary yet ceremonial tone, which disturbed me even further. "And has become the haunt of devils and a lodging for every foul spirit and dirty loathsome fowl. Now heaven, celebrate her downfall, and all you saints, apostles and prophets: God has given judgement for you against her - "

The September 11 allegory, right out of the wingnut playbook. I laughed, more like a discordant caterwaul, but Hector failed to notice it.

"Behind him, dressed in linen of dazzling white", he rambled on, "rode the armies of heaven on white horses. From his mouth came a sharp sword to strike the pagans with; He is the one who will rule them with an iron sceptre and tread out the wine of Almighty God's fierce anger."

"Okay, stop right there," I said. "The idea of Dubya cruising around in a federal disaster zone in the perfect Italian sportscar and paraphrasing the Book of Revelations is too bizarre - even for me."

I was getting sick, and said nothing more. Hector babbled on, drifting from one unhinged story to another, like he was the Dennis Hopper character in Apocalyse Now and Dubya was his personal Colonel Kurtz or a spiritual svengali or America's Dalai Lama of the damned. It defied logic and it made no sense.

None of his ramblings did, for that matter. Dubya was a pansexual Pandora's Box of treachery and freakishness, born deep in the bowels of Nowhereville, Texas. Nobody really liked him and very few people in Washington wanted to be seen in the same picture frame unless it was tossed into a lit fireplace or raging bonfire. There was something disturbing about him, the quiet voices said - a sense of a deadly organic being that was morphing upon itself, like a corpse bloating in the New Orleans sun. It was inconceivable that a petty thief and unhinged frat boy could be leader of the free world and speeding around the bayou at night, squealing like a demented pig about alternative rock and the kings of the East joining the forces of the North and turning against world civilization, burning it to the ground.

Welcome to the Garden of Agony, Sparky, and watch yourself. We may be a smart, free-thinking kind of nation and the boys packing it tight in the White House Press Room are getting antsy ... the New World Order that Dubya's pappy talked about is now ruled by crooked evangelists and tinpot theologians that seem more Trojan Horse than divine inspiration. Did the real Jesus freaks put one of their own in the Big House - twice - only to have God's secret agenda run a naked reverse on the Truth as defined in the eyes of Crazy Pat Robertson and Radical Racist Cleric Jerry Fallwell - King Mullah and Grand Ayatollah to the panoramic and pervasive view of American Taliban, also known as "the red states" on pundit TV, the same region for whom God can't quite seem to cut some slack in this apocalyptic hurricane season of the witch.

There was something very wrong about Hector, deeply deeply wrong, even strange ... Yet Hector appeared to believe in these things about Dubya, just as American Taliban wants us to believe in them.

It was like hearing the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe and the Great Kidney Harvest Caper urban myths, but this time with religious props and bad haircuts and rapturous exaltations.

I slammed down the phone and felt betrayed for a while, watching the Redskins make the spread. Then, I made the journey back to pagan-like bliss - the kind of rational peace that requires neither a preacher nor a shrink - with five hundred more in my pocket and minus one Paraguayan press agent gone batshit and insane.

Stay classy, San Diego.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

The End of An Era: Orgy of the Dumb


Dubya the Liberal and Semi-Merciful ... The Chimperor has gone so far to the Right that he can now be called a French Socialist ... Chimpy takes center stage in the Gulf while Cheney is turning the screws with a Halliburton bullhorn ... They came to Washington to decrease the size of government, and little did the wingnuts and fundies know at the time - the Rethugs meant decrease our emergency services and say goodbye to the safety net ... And by the way, where is Osama Bin Laden and should we now call him Keyser Soze?

"Katrina exposed serious problems in our response capability at all levels of government. And to the extent that the federal government didn't fully do its job right, I take responsibility. I want to know what went right and what went wrong. I want to know how to better cooperate with state and local government."
- If you're searching for any degree of remorse from Dubya, this is about it, White House, September 13, 2005

REPORTER: Did they misinform you when you said that no one anticipated the breach of the levees?
DUBYA: No, what I was referring to is this. When that storm came by, a lot of people said we dodged a bullet. When that storm came through at first, people said, whew. There was a sense of relaxation, and that's what I was referring to. And I, myself, thought we had dodged a bullet. You know why? Because I was listening to people, probably over the airways, say, the bullet has been dodged. And that was what I was referring to. Of course, there were plans in case the levee had been breached. There was a sense of relaxation in the moment, a critical moment. And thank you for giving me a chance to clarify that.
- Like Team Gonzography, you're probably wondering if he would clarify who constituted the "lot of people", or what became of the plans for the levee breach, or perhaps just explain the "sense of relaxation"? New Orleans, Louisiana, September 12, 2005

ROGER "VERBAL" KINT: "And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. 'Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you.' And no-one ever really believes."
DAVE KUJAN: "Do you believe in him, Verbal?"
ROGER "VERBAL" KINT: "Keaton always said, 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.' Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze."
- "The Usual Suspects" 1995

A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself.

For a while I was content to return to my quiet life away from all the commentary and outrage, living in a distant place where any sudden sound at night means that something is about to happen. When you hear it you jump up, alarmed - considering all the ruthless alternatives for a moment, what the hell just happened out there.

More times than I care to recall, it is nothing. But there are times ... it's so very hard to keep quiet when the world is sinking into level upon level of shit and swamp water, while most of us sit back with Cable TV beaming the days, hours and minutes until it slips into a comfortable routine. Bodies, national guardsmen, helicopters ... this is no time to relax; and while the message machine tries to drown out the failures of our disaster relief efforts with the most salacious methods of assessing blame - not seen since Donald Segretti used a faked letter on Democratic presidential candidate Edmund Muskie's letterhead, which falsely alleged that U.S. Senator Henry "Scoop" Jackson, a fellow Democrat, had an illegitimate child with a 17-year-old and issued a bogus letter containing offensive comments about African Americans.

Segretti called these frathouse pranks ratfucking. Just another terminal whackjob who bypassed the Peace Movement and Love Generation altogether, he was nothing more than a tormented mutation who never developed a human conscience or an atom of regret. Segretti reportedly checked into the Benson Hotel in Portland, Oregon in September 1971 carrying $500,000 in cash with a plan to hire prostitutes to seduce Senator Jackson. A former military prosecutor and civil lawyer, Segretti operated a ruthless campaign of political sabotage against the Democrats in Nixon's 1972 re-election effort. In 1974, he served 4 1/2 months in prison after pleading guilty to three misdemeanor counts of distributing illegal campaign literature. Segretti, never long in the shame department, briefly threw his hat into the ring as a candidate for Superior Court judge in Orange County in 1995, but was forced to withdraw after only a week, stating that the shadow of Watergate hung over the campaign.

The old gang of ratfuckers is scattered in the wind today, blown into many directions and only resurface when the office of Preznut is in the balance. But the old standard still flies in the Big House - or at least in the West Wing where the newest ratfucker on the dance card is Ubermensch Karl Rove, who never missed an opportunity to burn an intelligence estimate or covert agent. Since the salad days of 9/11, when Dubya first discovered the power of bullhorns, his administration has been extremely successful at blowing off its citizens and misleading the country and treating the press like a serial rapist with a multi-colored mohawk haircut. All of his campaigns and all the meaningless rhetoric he used throughout his political existence were based on the simple and tired impression that Dubya was a high plains tough guy who went to Yale and stumbled repeatedly in life until he reached middle age, when he discovered that Laura had a vagina and then he found God, which transformed him into a studied world leader and he fooled roughly 51 percent of the nation that he could fix all of our problems by creating utopia in the Middle East. To question him on the facts and rationale was un-American, because Dubya could spell "noo-klear" and Cheney had control of the little red button.

And the preznut won re-election by terrifying soccer moms and by selling the God-fearing red states on the idea that the war in Iraq and the Homeland Security infrastructure would keep us safe from all the bogeymen around the globe.

How does that vote last November feel now, Sparky?

How could it be possible that these unfortunate Iraqis would bite the Democratic hand that feeds them? Didn't they realize that good old fashioned American Democracy requires a lengthy period of ethnic cleansing - just like we did with our Native Americans - while denying its women the right to vote for about a hundred years?

Believe me, even Ahmad Chalabi took copious notes from our history books.

How is it conceivable that an administration can sit back and watch an entire region (that lined up in lock step and voted for them ten months ago) wilt in the heat and humidity without so much as a drink of water or a bag of ice?

Well, these are the same deviants who transformed their incompetence into WMD, Iraqis greeting our soldiers with flowers, and "fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here."

How is it possible that a dangerous terrorist who lives in the caves of Afghanistan, while tugging along a portable dialysis kit, can get a hold of four commerical airliners and ram them into buildings? And then get away with it while being elevated to the mythical status of Keyser Soze?

Please, somebody, explain these things to me. Somebody?

Or, as Maureen Dowd recently pointed out in the New York Times Op/Ed section, "when you combine limited gubment with incompetent gubment," as Dubya would pronounce it, "lethal stuff happens." All kinds of lethal shit, Sparky, and we are just beginning to see the light at the end of the idelogical tunnel - although the rest of us have been mortgaged right alongside Our Child Preznut's view of the world as Him versus His tinpot view of Satan.

In all of the dimwitted and tragic calamity, buried deep within the heart and soul of Dubya, runs a poisoned artery feeding a demented brain that despises nitpicky "liberals" and a cultural elite who want to examine the fine print before endorsing his bizarre plan, high-brow East Coast intellectuals who want to ask a few clarfifying questions at the risk of being called "non-patriotic" and those of us who just can't - or won't - jump aboard the co-dependent revival tent that has become America the Megalomaniac in the new millenium. Absent and mindless worker-ant hyper-consumers who jump in line at first sight of another ignorant mob, filled with a hyperbolic sense of self-love played out at a dizzying rate of narcissistic emptiness ... while choking on a hearty gulp of that toxic elixir known as Dubya's "culture of life" and "compassionate conservatism," as long as you reside in a tax bracket worth insulating.

But this time ... the bodies are decaying in plain view of NewsChopper Six - and not tucked neatly away in formations of flag-draped coffins that this Administration has turned into a corner game of three card monty. Now you see them, and now you can't.

"Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
- Roger "Verbal" Kint, The Usual Suspects

For reasons that will never be clear to anyone - and certainly not to the people who gladly voted twice for an abject buffoon and all the others who packed into the kiddie cars for Dubya's E-ticket ride to rapture - the national audience at home is operating once again with a few important questions, but the shelf-life for open thought in this age rivals the expiration warning label on a pack of seedless grapes. Average working people, the kind who watched Dubya and Ah-nuld and Rudi and McCain swagger around Madison Garden a year ago like New York City was the Alamo, are beginning to come to an even fresher conclusion on what really happened when we jumped before we looked at the Post 9/11 world. Certainly the comparisons between September 11 and Hurricane Katrina are erroneous - mostly because the latter can be predicted, and always more destructive and devastating - but the Rethugs still march on ratfucking free thinkers and those of us with questions while minimizing their own sheepish reactions in the face of actual forecasts.

But they missed, seriously, on both occassions - ignoring the Preznut's Daily Briefing - Bin Ladin Determined to Strike in US on August 6, 2001 and then again with Hurricane Katrina which wasn't exactly a secret to the American public or Our Child Preznut himself, who was ostensibly warned also in 2001 by a report that landed on the front steps of FEMA.

The parallels to the movie, The Usual Suspects, serve as a prescient allegory to the retarded "how could we have known" explanations that have been served up on a daily basis - from Rove's mouth to the Right Wing talking points on ideology TV. Like Dubya's reign of terror, the movie begins with a terrible explosion which sets of a chain of tragic events. After a waterfront blast, Verbal Kint, a small time con artist who happens to be the sole eyewitness and participant, explains the story leading up to the explosion to a customs agent played by Chazz Palminteri. It begins when five men are rounded up for a line-up, and grilled about a truck hijacking - who are, essentially, the usual suspects for any metropolitan crime. The interrogation goes tolerably well until the influence of the legendary, seemingly omnipotent "Keyser Soze" is mentioned, a criminal bogeyman if there ever was one.

But the story is just that - a piece of fiction offered up by the master criminal himself, and he barely escapes by using his wit and pathological banter in a game of cat and mouse with facts that are more figment of his imagination, just like it went down with the intelligence estimates leading us into Iraq.

Verbal Kint is either Keyser Soze, the master criminal himself, or he created the image of the bogeyman in an elaborate con game designed to keep the rest of us distracted. And to that end, Dubya and his party hacks transformed Osama Bin Laden into his own version of Keyser Soze because either he is the master criminal hellbent on our complete destruction or Dubya's inner sanctum of party pimps and carpetbaggers needed him for an Administration that emptied the US Treasury through its own back doors.

There are not many senior political correspondents in Washington who could handle a scenario like that. Their minds would just refuse to accept the Nixonian potential ... for the same reason they still can't accept the patent and fearful truth that Our Dubya is as incompetent as the tinfoil hat crowd already believes he is - and that his handlers reach for any rationale lying about or make up the excuses as they go along. That clear and that simple.

This is the one vanilla fact, right now, in a story that will become so heinously apparent in the next several weeks that every reporter assigned to it will need both a smart constitutional lawyer and a fearless economist right alongside him when the TV cameras turn on.

There is no question at all - even now, in these last few days of calm before the fallout from both disasters mushroom into a cloud of regret - that this "Dubya incompetence" epic is going to destroy some of the best minds in political punditry before it's done. And that reality will just have to linger there for the time being; I reject any opportunity to explain it further. We have a ton of time to explore the alternatives, Sparky; and hundreds and thousands of hours of congressional testimony will expose the top players and the federal bench should remmand the rest. And Dubya will be left stammering and drooling at the gates when the end finally appears, and not even his family will be waiting for him at the end of that last helicopter ride to average citizenry.

For the rest of us, Hurricane Katrina has finally broken the "post 9/11 world" spell that used to hang over everything and our addiction to terrorism and terrorism alone as the significant menace in our time, just like the Red Menace of the 1950s. The post 9/11 shin-ding is over, my friends, the end of a dark and ignorant era in American Politics, Inc. - and whatever the final body count is from the disaster zone, it will be harder and harder for the WMD propaganda machine to invoke the memory of bull horns and twisted rubble from the World Trade Center and the 3,000 dead. Just like those seedless grapes, they, too, have found their expiration date for political arm twisting and gutter ball exploitation and swollen military budgeting.

Osama Bin Laden still runs free - probably morphing his limp into a fully crisp stampede for the exit, just like Verbal Kint at the end - Iraq is another Beirut in the making and our people and resources are stretched so thin that we couldn't get to the business of saving our people until - roughly ten - days after the tragedy.

Here's what I know, after all is said and done tonight, hoping that another sound doesn't pique my attention. Osama Bin Laden is not Keyser Soze, because Dubya and his Circle of Doom has been explaining the story with concepts that were handpicked and conjured out of nothingness - and his people controlled both the facts and the intelligence all along. Because if either him or his people learned anything from 9/11 it was that we were not prepared for that terrorist attack and it only took four years to discover that we didn't learn a thing from it. Keyser Soze does exist and it's not Osama Bin Laden.

It's Dubya himself, who tried convincing the rest of the world that the devil did exist.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

High Gear Scrambling and Death to The Weird


The Crescent City Sinks like Atlantis ... Wingnuts Run Amok Declaring that God Sent Katrina because of Interior Decorators in the Big Easy ... Oops, Did Someone Really Brief the White House? ... FEMA is More Chinese Fire Drill Than a Helping Hand and Homeland Security is a Mirage ... Fat Timmy Tightens the Vice Grips ... A Retarded Nero Speaks and a Shroud of Insanity has been Lifted, My Friends

"The good news is - and it's hard for some to see it now - that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house - he's lost his entire house - there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."
- Dubya pep talks the residents of the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast with a heavy dose of denial tossed in for good measure, Mobile, Alabama, September 2, 2005

"Steps we're taking will help address the problem of availability, but it's not going to solve it. Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don't buy gas if you don't need it."
- Dubya proposes that Americans don't buy gas at $3-$4/gallon just because he says so, Washington, D.C., September 1, 2005

"Today's enemies do not mass armies on borders, or navies on high seas. They blend in with the civilian population. They emerge to strike, and then they retreat back into the shadows. And that's why there are thousands of our fellow citizens running down every single piece of intelligence we can find, doing everything we can to disrupt folks that might be here in America trying to hurt you."
- Kinda like the level of disregard shown the American people by FEMA, Nampa, Idaho, August 24, 2005

There is desperation and exasperation in the air tonight. Not even Wolf Blitzer could handle it. Levees belched toxic waste in the streets of New Orleans and the entire Gulf Coast slipped another mile toward Venezuela. Dubya was struck about the face and neck with the dope stick yet again, the U.S. Government failed to act when it knew that its own people would be massacred by a raging storm, and young children and elderly people died in the heat and humidity without so much as a drink of water.

If Dubya had a personal delivery half as articulate as Crazy Horse, he would have been able to get past this one - instead of being labelled a closet racist while he races around the country looking all perplexed and destined for another $1000.00 chicken dinner fundraiser. But words always seem to confuse Our Child Preznut - and the very homespun diatribes that had once served him well inside red state revival tents and redneck bake-offs with Mable and Bess and Clara now make him seem like he's rolling in a trench filled with shit. Little Big Horn was settled about 130 years ago, but the ferocious warrior - also known as Tashunca-uitco - earned his reputation among the Lakota not only by his skill and daring in battle but also by his fiery determination to preserve his people's traditional way of life. The horrid fallout from this disaster in the Gulf has been building for years before the first gusts ripped into the shoreline, right about that time when Dubya and his party pimps first hijacked the vote count in Florida - and the only difference today, with Cable TV news broadcasting the catastrophe 24-hours a day, is that we finally seem to be on the verge of looking at the scoreboard for once while wondering how much of our traditions have been eroded away like the old Bayou itself.

Crazy Horse made no distinctions when it cames to his people - they could have been Democrats or Republicans for all he knew, not that it mattered much in 1876, or in any other year, when the skies became terminal and the land succumbed to Mother Nature - but it's also very true that Crazy Horse never understood the concept of American Government, Inc. beyond its threat to the people it was built to protect, nor would he have appreciated the vile pleasure of dealing with our current administration; he would have missed the venemous wonder known as Karl Rove, Dubya's prince of bile, and he never would have met little Scottie McClellan, who can turn ignorance into an artform, but he would have had much to discuss with Michael D. Brown, Under Secretary of Homeland Security for Emergency Preparedness and Response, whose only qualification for the post is that he knew a thing or two about Arabian horses.

If the legendary Lakota warrior was alive today, I sense - given his fierce contempt for the U.S. Government and every thing it stood for - he'd have looted a WalMart gun rack himself and taken matters into his own hands. For Crazy Horse it was about survival ... for his people, for his land, for his way of life.

* * *

Today, the Warriors of the Plains have been replaced by the Lunatic Fringe of the Religious Right. Instead of horses and bows and arrows, they have taken to the Internet to file complaints with the FCC or write threatening emails to yours truly, and I have seen my share of these in these past two months. They are almost always from places where the hurricanes first meet the beaches, from the wingnuts and Jesus freaks and closet Nazis - and on some days they all seem eerily connected to Fred Phelps or the Westboro Baptist Church or even Crazy Pat Robertson himself, a dedicated Gulf Coast weather junkie who once warned Orlando that they were "right in the way of some serious hurricanes and I don't think I'd be waving those [Gay Pride] flags in God's face," about 15 years before he called for the head of Hugo Chavez during an August broadcast.

Once awarded with the Christian Broadcaster of the Year by an organization called the National Religious Broadcasters, Crazy Pat and his prime-time berserk commentaries on the hidden agendas of God's natural disasters have been the best thing to hit the Bible Belt since Orson Welles took to the airwaves with War of The Worlds, just one short year before Hitler unleashed the blitzkrieg on Poland. Welles drove people batshit and crazy, to verge of a Jim Jones-like mass suicide, even without access to mescaline or blotter acid or poison Kool Aid.

Robertson is also - according to a malcontent named Scooter, from Jacksonville - a religious visionary of some kind whose evangelical work only rivals the work of Jesus himself. This kind of commentary may be indicative of Robertson's maniacal following in the Florida panhandle, where his rapture-like admonitions about coming hurricanes "with the destructive force of two or three Hiroshimas" has elevated his television network to a spiritual version of the Weather Channel, a true and literal Messenger of God who can quote scripture as fast as he analyzes meterology and low pressure systems. More Jesus freaks have evacuated their trailers and shacks and scurried fast to the hills on the Good Word of the Reverend than ever marched through the Red Sea with Moses.

When you get right down to it, all Pat Robertson ever does is scare people half to death by telling them to escape God's Wrath by making a love offering to his network. But the actual truth is that any ignorant hillbilly with a basic working knowledge of a barometer and enough sense with a teleprompter and his own broadcasting center could do what the crazy Reverend does, and the same panic-striken morons would happily oblige.

A very angry married couple who go by the name of I.M and Fredericka Kaput of Huntsville, Alabama countered - in a very short email response - "You are a heathen bastard who doesn't deserve the right to criticize Pat Robertson with your liberal and elitist and demonic ways. We pray for you."

"Only God can forgive your sins now, if only you ask him seriously," said another message from an email account with the alias, which Team Gonzography traced to the outskirts of Tupelo. "No sin will go unpunished by the Lord, except if you turn your back on Jesus and don't accept him as your personal savior. May the Lord have mercy on your soul."

Then another person named Claude Balls from the Christian Debt Guidance Service of Tampa called me a hyena with the brain of pea soup, then added that I was just jealous of Pat Robertson. "Jump back into that cave where they found you," he wrote. "Your kind, we christian people can do without."

But then again, at last recollection, every one of these states voted for Dubya during the last election cycle. And if Our Child Preznut was God's candidate, as the argument went back then, why has he forsaken them?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

This Is Your (Political) Life Dubya


Freak City Revelations ... Anatomy of a Party Fixer and Rogue Pimp ... What Next for the Good Ole Boys from the Crawford Fun Factory? ... A Rose Garden of Agony Spills Battery Acid on the True Believers ... The Democrats Tighten the Screws ... Treachery Looms in the White House Press Plane ... The Worm Has Turned, My Friend

DUBYA: I appreciate the Secretary of Energy joining me today. He's a good man, he knows a lot about the subject, you'll be pleased to hear. I was teasing him -- he taught at MIT, and -- do you have a PhD?
DUBYA: Yes, a PhD. Now I want you to pay careful attention to this -- he's the PhD, and I'm the C student, but notice who is the advisor and who is the President.
- Well, many of us have been saying things along this line for a long time now ... Lusby, Maryland, June 22, 2005

"Even though I'm a tranquil guy now at this stage of my life, I have nothing but contempt and anger for those who betray the trust by exposing the name of our sources. They are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors."
- George Herbert Walker Bush, 1999

"I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That's a pretty cool first name, isn't it, Mayo. Pass the Mayo. His wife, Molly, appreciated that."
- In case you were wondering if Dubya had some towel-snapping frat boy swimming in his moments of petty rapture, let's consider the evidence. Lusby, Maryland, June 22, 2005

Holy Mother of Stammering God, I just took a break from this political psychobabble long enough to cleanse my soul of the constant and terminal angst that ushers the partisan soiree with all the misplaced resplendence of a Gay Pride Festival in Galveston, and then I turned to the cable television talking heads shows ... and there was the face and that voice of Tweety Matthews beating the drums with Howard Dean on Hardball, jolting a Washington glitterati with an alarmingly straight admission of failure on one count of deceiving the American electorate - an elaborate attempt to purposely confound September 11 with Saddam Hussein and the preznut's own guilt and profound involvement with most every aspect of the fraudulence - including stockpiles of WMD, oil that would subsidize the shameful nation-building exercise and hordes of repressed Iraqis waiting for our troops with bouquets of flowers because they so wanted to hand over power to another religious faction, for which Dubya should stand up and take whatever harsh punishment the special prosecutor feels he rightly deserves and then purge himself from our memories once and for all by "explaining everything he knows" and why, on his watch, we are less safe with a terrorist gladiator school in Iraq and the emergence of two nuclear powers in Iran and North Korea.

Two more months of the shake and bake operation in Iraq and this lovely experiment in Middle East Democracy in Action will make Sarajevo seem more July 4th block party than a violent bloodletting of ethnic and biblical proportions. First Dubya gets up in the morning to see that a majority of Americans are ready to toss in the towel, then he jumps up on national TV to say he "thinks about Iraq every day because he understands we have troops in harm's way," as if this master of the obvious could put two and two together in the first place. Which means, clearly, that he better now watch his backside before Rumsfeld or Rove reach for the Gideon Bible like Chuck Colson once did and start taking their press conferences while standing in line at a Jerry Fallwell absolution soup kitchen in Lynchburg, Virginia.

What will Dubya do in the light of these recent developments? Karl Rove, one of the most psychotic and treacherous thugs in the vast wasteland of American politics, has been Dubya's main and insulated lightning rod since the beginning of his fatally co-dependent inner sanctum of the "get in the boat and shut your mouth" deception machine - along with Condi, Andy Card, Cheney, Scooter Libby and Dubya himself - none of whom would think twice about stonewalling the Religious Right or even God himself with "take a message, we might get back to them - and Him - later on the fuzzy details." Not even Dubya, at this lowest point of his presidency, will feel comfortable with the knowledge that a loyal and abject monster like Rove has an office in the White House when rumors persist that he was Matt Cooper's source in the Valerie Plame espionage exposure, which in no other terms constitutes treason - in the non-Ann Coulter sense of the word, of course - not to mention completely unethical and immoral behavior, and a crystallized example of how this administration wields power from Dick Cheney's bunker.

This is every American's responsibility, too, because it speaks volumes to the core values that we have claimed to represent during our last abuse of election powers and influence peddling ... and everything that is needed at this point to illustrate how the neo-cons - and not all rethugs and conservatives - at their core and essential means-to-an-end value system operates is clearly in the spotlight now, brimming with a full gastank of deceit, betrayal and a stubborn willingness to compromise national security for partisan political gain. Their every response to this unfolding story at the edges only adds to their disturbed and illustrative narrative - and in the end, their scrambling and flailing around the facts of the matter will reveal as much about them as about us as a people so willing to aim the barrel of outrage at anything that doesn't seem to fit our stereotypes or support a rational thought process in action, much like the dark days of Watergate when a vast majority of Americans who re-elected Nixon soon discovered that their preznut was a criminal and an oily stain on the very Constitution he took an oath to uphold, capable of almost any indiscretion or conspiracy to hold the reigns of power beneath his clenched fist.

[Before] I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling.
- Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

If I had better instincts or a sense of injustice running amok, I would put this stainless steel Apple G5 in the trunk of my 325i and race over to the closest politician's home - either Rohrbacher or Dreier or any politician, for that matter - and toss the airtight case through the large bay window overlooking a wondrous California countryside ... chase the bought-and-paid-for freak out onto his manicured lawn in an extreme act of merciless revenge then spray him liberally with several cans of pepper spray and force him to run naked along the main street wearing a propeller beanie and a brass cowbell while repeatedly jolting him with a Stun Master 775,000 volt stun gun, converting his blood sugar into lactic acid until his bowels and bladder no longer functioned properly and a blossom of bluish black lumps covered his body for the eventual press coverage and News at Six video package.

But maturity and an ability to plan ahead has either caused me to pause before acting on such thoughts or the vile idea of wearing an orange jumpsuit for CNN's coverage of the arraignment has probably delivered me to the point where I could not act out on these youthful impulses - at least for the moment, because that blundering moron in White House should be held accountable for every dollar spent and each soldier sent home without a limb or sealed in a flag-drapped coffin, and these thoughts could plunge a rational person into a deep and contaminated hole of regret and misplaced desires.

So with deep feelings of terminal angst rising to the surface yet again, we should probably examine and declare the two main and important outcomes from this revelaton on Karl Rove: 1> The clear and present necessity of using Rove as way to bring Dubya and Dick Cheney to trial like their old faux-nemesis Saddam Hussein, all wild-eyed and brutish and delusional, in order to have that unclouded vision stamped upon our minds forever and begin the process of understanding our own common reality in a way that the Germans did during the Nuremberg trials ... and then 2> The absolute and fundamental obligation of repairing the bizarre vacuum that needs a complete overhaul in our executive branch ... and how it is used and gets used by the intelligence and military apparatus, and how that unholy alliance is undermining our very freedoms and lack of national security in this new age.

It's nutcracking time in the Big House, Sparky. And let's see if we can get a front row seat for the festivities ... and the bottles of 1800 and Wild Turkey are on me.

Here, Lord knows, is a real barnburner of a scandal waiting to leap out into the next news cycle: betrayal, treachery, gallows humor and an undying suspense of not knowing who is undercutting whom while the creaky deck chairs get re-arranged on the preznut's political ship of fools ... All of which matters even less to the average citizen or registered voters who will soon find themselves all hooked on the daytime drama like "The Price is Right" or "One Life to Live." Before long, even Hollywood screenwriters and super-agents will jump into the act looking for an angle that cuts into the cashflow ... and if the Democrats take their party chairman's position that Dubya "essentially pinned down our troops in Iraq [with] Zarqawi" and other foreign terrorists, before long a myriad of congressional hearings should start chopping down the illusions and delusions sponsored by the Rethug message discipline operation which lands nightly on the doorstep of the partisan political process including our incompetent corporate media funnel as its dependent flashpoint.

The massive complexities of the gathering evidence, and Rove's inability to come clean on his Grand Jury testimony, must have the preznut's attorneys all up in arms and neck-deep in fiction by now - searching for every loophole and a plausible way for Karl Rove to fall on the sword in the event that public opinion cannot by corraled, especially with the vast amount of political capital that will be spent on the upcoming Supreme Court nominations - because the raw drama that is beginning to unfold will offer the stark and simplistic plot line of a "Perry Mason" script - with the Democrats controlling the lights, camera and action, and whose sole interest in watching this debacle develop is the midterm elections and a wide open field for 2008, while the rest of us get to bask in the glow of watching once powerful freaks brought weeping to their knees after taking the perp walk on CNN, FOX and MSNBC - which gets replayed as the "Big Story" on the half hour.

Drop a pig like Karl Rove in a three piece suit, Sparky. And it's still a pig

Monday, June 06, 2005

Armageddon Days Are Here (Again)


They’re 5 miles high as the crow flies
Leavin’ vapour trails against a blood red sky
Movin’ in from the east toward the west
With balaclava helmets over their heads, yes!

But if you think that Jesus Christ is coming
Honey you’ve got another thing coming
If he ever finds out who’s hijacked his name
He’ll cut out his heart and turn in his grave

Islam is rising
The christians mobilising
The world is on it’s elbows and knees
It’s forgotten the message and worships the creeds

It’s war, she cried, it’s war, she cried, this is war
Drop your possessions, all you simple folk
You will fight them on the beaches in your underclothes
You will thank the good lord for raising the union jack
You’ll watch the ships out of harbour
And the bodies come floating back

If the real jesus christ were to stand up today
He’d be gunned down by the CIA
Oh, the lights that now burn brightest behind stained glass
Will cast the darkest shadows upon the human heart
But God didn’t build himself that throne
God doesn’t live in Israel or Rome
God belong to the Yankee Dollar
God doesn’t plant the bombs for Hezbollah
God doesn’t even go to church
And God won’t send us down to Allah to burn
No, God will remind us what we already know
That the human race is about to reap what it’s sown

The world is on it’s elbows and knees
It’s forgotten the message and worships the creeds
Armageddon days are here again

(matt johnson - the the)