Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Better Dumb Than Original


"Sucker" Carlson
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY

Dearest Tucker:
This is to inform you that I have retraced steps on the offer to take the producer vacancy for your show and wish to have it voided immediately. After watching your network continue on its tedious downward spiral into abject insanity and religious fanaticism over these past few months I've decided that I could not, in good conscience, serve your network or show in any capacity. Nor would I feel a sense of personal security while representing any form of disinformation or thought terrorism inside our own borders.

I refer specifically to your bizarre distrortions in particular, having compared Democratic efforts to keep track of racial data to those practiced by Heinrich Himmler, Nazi Germany's Gestapo head and SS chief, and insisting that grouchy feminists with mustaches controlled the [Democratic] party and that nobody prevented anyone from voting in Florida during the 2000 Presidential campaign. I am neither a grouchy feminist nor an advocate of organized demonstrations, but my sense or personal karma would be entirely rattled by the nightly spectacle of watching a tiny group of right wing fanatics howling at the calumniation machine whose selective amnesia over the facts and public policy which has already caused thousands of Americans to be killed for no good reason. On the day after John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention you also stated that the Senator's plan was to have other "dark skinned foreigners from the Middle East [to] fight our war for us," which has left MSNBC in a position very much resembling the Gestapo's during the Spanish Civil War, serving up the free thinkers and contrarians to the right wing slaughterhouse known as pundit TV.

As a lifelong progressive and fiscal conservative I cannot be dismissed as one of those tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists or an incompetent blue state minority-interest liberal freakshow peacenik. Nor am I totally ignorant of foreign affairs and military policy - nor have I been giving the Democratic party a free pass on their mistakes either, because most of them signed on for the Baghdad revival tour as well. In 1984 and 1985 I spent more time defending our country abroad in many, many late night arguments with elitist Europeans than I did earning a paycheck overseas. But since 2000, I would hate to be over there now, left with a cabal of outraged Euros to explain our delusions about God, Country and Iraqi colonization.

It is indeed a fact that I actively supported Clinton in 1992 and John Kerry in 2004 - but in the case of Dubya's re-election I have been sadly disappointed by my fellow Americans. The categorical failures of the U.S. in the Middle East are not nearly so disturbing as the implications of our actions. Which country of dark-skinned heathens do we bomb next? Will Dubya invade Bangalore once there are no more call center jobs in Little Rock? Does the right wing want to put the entire Muslim world on another set of reservations? Can you seriously defend any Administration who gets its foreign policy advice from Dick Cheney and Condi Rice? Is it a fact, as I have read and heard, that even the staunchest conservatives are worried that the failure to ratify an Iraqi Constitution underscores Rumsfeld's intention to provoke Iran and Syria into another costly war - so that Dubya can crown himself Emperor with a Supreme Court packed with a fresh pair of cronies who regard habius corpus as nothing more than a minor inconvenience?

If this is where we are going as a country, count me out. If these corporate lackeys in the White House really do intend to go into another country to defend us from "smoking guns" and "mushroom clouds" I have no intention of being an American any longer, regardless of the evidence that they might fabricate. Beyond that, I can only wish you a terribly short lifespan on MSNBC TV.

In conclusion, it would be perfectly American to offer a solution - so I can't be labeled a frustrated leftist with no alternative to what I so deleriously oppose. Here it is - in a nutshell. We should get the hell out of Iraq and not apologize for this idiotic conflict to anyone. We really had no business being there in the first place and there are certainly more important things we can do with the US Treasury. We cannot possibly succeed with Democracy Iraqi-style, any more than Hitler could with the Eastern Front. And that money could be spent so much more wisely right here in the good old USA by getting us weaned off of the OPEC nipple stuffed so firmly down our throats.

So, let's fold up the tents. Call it what you must and let's admit it quietly to ourselves that we cannot afford to spill any more dollars or blood. And stop trying to force feed the American public with all this hollow drivel about the need to democratize a region of the planet where Baywatch is considered pornography. Iraq is a destroyed country for another two generations and they are not going to bomb or invade us any time soon. Iran and North Korea, at last check, have the bomb and neither country has gone Dr. Strangelove on Los Angeles or Tel Aviv. And I really don't think that I have to explain why to you any further.

At any rate, those are my simple ideas. You never asked for them - but then again I never asked for yours either on a nightly basis. If Kerry had been elected I believe he would have us on the way out of there by now, while conservatives like you have us knee-deep in the bullshit. So it's a GOP war, and I demand that your political friends and party bogeymen find a way to handle it without my help. The freaks that line the walls of the conservative movement are eating away at our once-proud way of life, much in the way that an unhealthy digestive tract packed with years of human waste needs a good flushing. We cannot claim victory in Iraq without eventually killing us all, and - unless you wake up and start acting like a rational human being instead of the batshit political fiend you play on TV - you and your kind will wake up some day in Gitmo, with a mob of outraged rednecks beating you with rubber hoses for a simple explanation and why you supported a moron with a bullhorn when he said Saddam Hussein had WMD.

Your friends in Christ,
Team Gonzography


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