Saturday, August 07, 2004

Rethugs New Slogan: Turning Back

The right wing forces of doom are as much swine as they are predictable. God works through most Rethugs in the form of government sanctioned school prayer and constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. So when the worm finally turns around, pandering to the flock is a next-best solution. Can't you just hear Bobo on his knees to Karl Rove and Karen Hughes in pure, Jimmy Swaggart-like tone, "I have sinned against you!"

No thanks to conservatives, I suggest. Even more sickening than the elevation of Ronald Reagan to patron saint, is their sanctimonious view on their own relevancy to this electorate. Having already termed Big John's Boston suare as the "stepford convention," now the conservatives are looking forward to their own and guess what? ... a small problem is already coming to the surface. According to Valerie Plame's favorite scribe, Bob Nov-hack, " ... no draft platform exists, no subcommittees have been named, and no special lodging for committee members has been assigned. Rather than signifying sudden collapse of accustomed Republican efficiency, all this looks more like a coolly calculated plan."

Maybe now conservatives will claim that they like deficit spending, higher oil prices and bigger intrusive government. This is all extremely credible given Bobo's results so far - don't we just find ourselves drawn to people who regularly expose us as cheats, liars, greed-mongers and hypocrites? Karma is a hard son-of-a-bitch sometimes.

Of course, and rightly so, Rethugs despise the moderate center of our political spectrum. Their Neo-Con family tree loath the center even more - the protests against our current regime are positively taking a toll already, and they are anemic when compared to the inevitable fight for the party's holy spirit come the end of August. The far right - dare I say the Wolfowitz, Perle, Feith, Rove, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld - faction, too, has looked at Bobo's political dossier and it leaves a lot to be desired. After 20 or so years of smaller government, faith-based social programming, lower taxes, let the states decide, stronger defense rhetoric, they are awakening to the fact that the deficit is now a Democratic virtue and that Big John is cutting into the Commander-in-Chief vote. That shrill creaking you hear is Barry Goldwater turning in his grave.

"Turn back, Bobo. Reach into the light."

And all the while "Sucker" Carlson gets a PBS gig. Matalin can't keep the straight face on CNN. Not even FOX can distort the truth any further. Bobo has deserted his base in terms of ideology, alone, and if one was to examine the polls in places like New Hampshire, Florida and Colorado, his hardcore folks are feeling left out.

When I heard it last night, I almost fell out of bed. One of the Rethug's court jesters uttered the phrase "media bias" when describing Bobo's acute and terrible dilemna. So Rove and Hughes are going to dress up Bobo in Reagan's old anti-commie, anti-liberal BBQ smock, and prop him up haphazardly as a "war president" until they can find a suitable replacement in four years. Because, as it was in the Roman Empire, the first rule of politics is survival.

Most confusing to voters, however, is this curious relationship that Bobo has with the higher power. Whereas Reagan simply appeared at peace and sincere about his Christian beliefs, Bobo would rather use the good book to relegate his opponents to oblivion (or is it purgatory for our Catholic supporters?). Here's just a sample of what we'll hear in these next 85 days:

Bobo on abortion: "We cannot have freedom when some folks decide that others are not fit to live. America is not ready to overturn Roe v. Wade because America's hearts are not right."

Bobo on gay marriage: "I am mindful that we're all sinners, and I caution those who may try to take the speck out of their neighbor's eye when they got a log in their own. I think it's very important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts, to be a welcoming country. On the other hand, that does not mean that somebody like me needs to compromise on an issue such as marriage."

Bobo on North Korean weapons inspections:"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once -- shame on -- shame on you. You fool me, you can't get fooled again."

Bobo on government programs to feed the "hungry": "We are told that 7 million people went to bed hungry each night. They were all on a diet."

Bobo on Head Start: "I appreciate the desire for flexibility, I support the governor's desire for flexibility so long as, one, federal monies going to the states are used only for Head Start. In other words, what we really don't want to do is say we're going to focus on Head Start, the Head Start money goes for, you know, the prison complex -- I know that won't happen with Governor Ehrlich, but there needs to be a guarantee that the federal money spent on Head Start, only go to Head Start. Secondly, states and local governments must put money into the program, which would lock in the Head Start money for Head Start. So, the flexibility given to the State would not allow the state's budget flexibility. Governors ought to have that flexibility to hope that Congress will provide that flexibility so that when the accountability systems kick in, fully kick in, that a governor can truthfully say, well, I've had the tools necessary to make sure the Head Start program fits into an overall comprehensive plan for literacy and math for every child in the state of Maryland, in Governor Ehrlich's case."

Bobo on foreign relations: "I see a peaceful world, I do. The rest of the world watches us very carefully. I like to say, 'If the United States blinks, they'll go to sleep.' We're not going to blink."

Bobo on education: "You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

Bobo on a potential second term: "Probably the best reason to put me back in there is so that Laura has got four more years as the First Lady."

The conclusions to draw from what Bobo is saying and what others are forced to say about him now is that the electable Rethug is always the one that Democrats are calling an extremist. But the problem for Bobo is that no one understands what he is saying in the first place. It used to be that Rethugs had a couple of really significant issues firmly in their corner, but Bobo blew through all of them, so there's no home turf to stand on.

He may feel encouraged with the gay marriage thing, even the terror thing. But overall, he will clearly assume the classic Rethug trends -- sociopathic speeches frothed with the words "patriot" and "freedom", utter disregard for truth, extended criminal behavior, underhanded dirty tricks and lots of babbling about "media bias" until November. And if all that doesn't work out for Bobo, he'll raise the terror alert to red and suspend the election. It's a good idea to take advise from your friends; I hear Prince Bandar issues martial law in Saudi Arabia all the time.


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