gonzography: Ashcroft Reaching Out to SCROTUM

Pastor General John Ashcroft resigned today amidst rumors that he would be taking a position on the Supreme Court Register of The United Methodists (SCROTUM) in his home state of Mizzurah.

“The objective of securing the religious persecution of non-Christian Americans has been achieved,” Ashcroft wrote in a five-page handwritten letter to Bush, adding that he believed that the Justice Department “would be best served by a host of new ideologues and more divine inspiration” and that “my energies and talents should be directed toward the coming rapture.”

Aides had described the Pastor General as “squandered” and "wasted" from leading the Justice Department in raising the homeland security alerts since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Scriptural anxiety was a factor in health problems earlier this year that resulted in the removal of Ashcroft’s small intestine.

The SCROTUM Foundation, where Ashcroft will resume his public life, is a non-profit theocratic criminal outreach program that has redefined the Ten Commandments into more practical teachings for America's troubled youth. Termed "The Contract With Felons," the organization has tabled these simple teachings into a legally binding parole agreement for work release candidates in St. Louis county.

Statements and Acknowledgements

1. I am the Lord thy God. thou shalt not self-gratify unto any craven images of women on the internet, to bow thyself before them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a flag, or something else really patriotic.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord or the President in vain; but he shall be held without guilt who taketh it to put it upon his currency, and likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in matters of National Security.

3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy in the churches by morning and the Rams by afternoon.

4. Honor thy father if he's been around and thy mother if she shall not be working the streets; but Medicare is going too far.

5. Thou shalt not kill thy innocent babe in the womb. After it's born and commits a crime, open season.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially, but if thee cannot resist the urge make sure it's without rape.

7. Thou shalt not steal and get caught again.

8. Thou shalt influence for inside business deals and deny health care for big labor.

9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife, unless thee needs a cup of sugar.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet cause others to work their buns off for thy sake, and thereby acquire such a house as thy neighbor will covet of thee.