Killing Pigs and Selling Slime: Extreme Behavior in DC

"This shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children ... for all their sins once a year."—Leviticus 16:34

The Republicans were leading everyone on their Bataan Death March through reality this week. Dubya paid a visit to Chile for a fist fight, Bill Frist made sure he got enough camera time to keep his delusions afire, and Dick Cheney retreated into his bunker long enough to realize that he needed to chase down a few more CIA sex slaves between the normal rape and pillaging briefings on the Iraqi front ... and there was also the leader of the Rat Pack degenerates in the Administration, Donald "Redrum" Rumsfeld.

The Grand Old Party had been giving the saner among us such a vision of Apocalyptic Culture - whipped up every day and night from the transgressions of batshit neo-Nazi's high on greed and night terrors from evangelical creeps like Bob Jones - that America was starting to seem more like a tazmanian devil nest somewhere in the Artic Circle. The Senate was burning the midnight oil on the spending bill, the Joint Chiefs were on the take, the Preachers were getting stir crazy for any signs of social oppression, and even Dubya himself was resisting the urge to invade Honduras and Costa Rica because of el shrub junta chants in Santiago.

Dubya waved it off as silliness, ultimately, but the insiders knew differently. Party infighting was becoming outrageous, the Russians were lining up with the French and Germans, the dollar was retreating even further against global currencies, and perhaps the worst news inside the Beltway, the intelligence bill was getting stalled, Democratic operatives could be seen roaming the halls of power at night all giddy again, while the embattled Secretary of Defense was denying reports Tuesday that he privately campaigned against a proposed intelligence overhaul.

Even though Dubya was tagged with the week's failures - and how much "politcal capital" he would have to expend to keep party factions from rearranging the deck chairs on his demonic cruise liner - Rumsfeld was walking around like a gutter deviant with hypodermic needles dangling from his forearms while ignoring the blood oozing from his track marks.

"Looky here, Redrum - what in tarnation is that red puddle around your shoes? Would that be arterial spray?"

"This stuff? Are you a serious clusterfuck? That would be genuine Iraqi crude, my fine feathered friend. Deep red soothing syrup, for the hack wounds on my shins."

Literally. Before this treacherous amputee tap dance is finished with House and Senate leaders, Redrum will know agonies worse than advanced leprosy, or hoof-in-mouth disease, or scarlet fever, or even a brush with bubonic plague. Rumors of his demise are already flowing amongst the congressional oversight factions and there is talk of abducting him to one of the CIA's secret detention centers in Uzbekistan, where exiled Iraqi physicians can strap him into the Saddam chair, so that tangible effects of electricity on the human nervous system can be further studied.

“It’ll be tougher now because the well got even more poisoned by the senators and their supporters thoroughly criticizing Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) and myself by name on the talking head shows yesterday,” Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner (R-Minn), of Wisconsin, told The Associated Press on Monday. "What we would be doing would be passing something that looked good on a bumper sticker. And the devil is in the details."

God Bless Redrum. He stands right next to the preznut, right or dumb as doornails - until Air Force One leaves American airspace and starts cannibalizing legislation like three iquanas on a feeding frenzy - against the very wishes of his frat-boy master, because it's clear that the Department of Defense has got even more skin in this game. Military officials have long held that losing intelligence agencies to civilian control would threaten the flow of information to soldiers in the field. Redrum has been a loose cannon for a long time now, the only member of the Reich Ministry to speak freely amongst the press corps with his own interpretations of events in Iraq. It's probably a good thing he saved some lampshade and pool table action photos from those mid-summer Crawford cocktail parties or Redrum would be next in line for the slush puppy, an imprecise CIA lobotomy technique performed with topical anesthetic followed by a fishing expedition with ice picks under the eyelids.

The worm has indeed turned on Redrum. All of the sudden he was getting "your call cannot be completed as dialed" every time he tried to ring the Special Forces airstrip at Edwards and order himself a flight to Baghdad or Rammstein, or for a weekend trip anywhere. Before long, he will be given a post to study the military application of UFO's in Kosovo or oversee the implementation of intelligence facilities in Damascus.

For now, Redrum has been isolated and trapped like the Prisoner of Zenda for having impersonated a capable and even-handed Secretary of Defense in time of war. Even his security detail is giving him the evil eye. If Redrum even dreams of getting out of town for Thansgiving he is going to need a multi-colored clown wig and a Gitmo orange jumpsuit.

The bell has finally rung for the hideous maggots feasting on American boys in the Pentagon. The final Day of Atonement cannot be far behind.