Sanity Checked Out With the Concierge This Morning

A week-long investigation by our field forces and elements of Zogby International have determined a geomagnetic storm of delirium is gathering on the neo-religious horizon. This phenomenon has also been characterized as religious fundamentalism by the reality based community. Failure to take steps before this madness hits the mainland could inculpate the innocent among us - perhaps leading to the false imprisonment of a few activists, or even some unknowing kids singing the wrong words to Silent Night. During the next few days the world will be overrun, perhaps overwhelmed, by a suck-typhoon of detritus, nonsense, dementia, swill, psychotic apparitions and pseudo-spiritual bullshit of every kind and formula. There will be no relief until the new year is upon us. This problem will be apparent in several perilous forms - and the sane will have to deal with every one of them. Examples are among the following:

1.> The security detail is already paralyzed by wave after wave of GOP morality brochures, libel subpoenas, warning letters of impending doom, elevated levels of save your soul spam, and half-crazy attempts from actual persons or fundamentalists trying to cash in big on this ghastly movement. My team has already executed Plan B by establishing alternative office arrangements, so that the serious business of political opposition cannot be stopped during the holiday season.

2.> Local authorities are expecting major bottlenecks along the beachfront causeways, twenty-four seven, by collections of rabid fundamentalists attempting to drag heavy wooden crosses and other christian paraphernalia into the more public areas for display purposes. To combat this, we have called in private contractors to erect six foot high chain link and cyclone wire at the north face of the area with access validated upon every entry. Motion detectors criss-cross the beach entry portion of the compound and strobe lights with foghorns stand at the ready to alert us if a nighttime operation arrives unexpectedly. Armed guards will be on duty at all times.

3.> Communications technicians have warned us to expect the phone lines to be tied up for hours at a time by offshore christian call centers along with virulent Bible Freaks attempting to dial in with messages like "The Lord's Message for the Day" and "Save Yourself from Satan," and the like. Whenever possible, our custom calling features will intercept many of these attempts. But we do realize that many of our loyal followers will get an all circuits are busy message when trying to reach one of our agents. In the event that our adversaries use the new *38 feature once restricted to law enforcement and private investigators, our new IP-based phone bank can route these kinds of calls to a special queue, upon which they will be answered by voice activated response recordings using the new VXML software bundle that arrived by FedEx yesterday. Doctor Carlos Mongrel, the preeminent authority on deprogramming cult behavior, with a specialty in high tech surveillance from his years in the Air Force Security Agency, has scripted a series of auto-responses for every imaginable fundamentalist angle. In the event that these callers reject the front end defenses, these callers will be given the opportunity to leave their names and numbers on our wave-sampling deck, so Doctor Mongrel can work in depth with these lost souls - personally - between the hours of 3AM to 5AM, when they become sleep-deprived and more psychologically malleable.

These are but the most pressing threats that we will have to come to grips with in the coming days. There will, most certainly, be others - requiring quick reflexes and constant consideration - such as the gutless undermining and ruinous sabotage of our key ground forces. More than likely, some will have passed the character evaluation testing, but no measures are airtight and a few brainless scumbags may have shifted through our security checkpoints and will cave in - capitulating to the beast, as it were - to the dangerous lure of this new christian cult. We have planned for this extreme alternative, and when the organization takes a body blow or two, we will strike back with a series of sweeping countermeasures to seize the hearts and minds of our religious oppressors.

It is a widely held feeling within the walls of Team Gonzography that we are surrounded by a generation of failures, dingbats and parasites hiding within the shroud of secrecy known as the fundamentalist movement, and under no circumstances should these retards be allowed to disrupt our lines of communication or pollute our water supplies or food stuffs ... especially in a season when anyone with enough cash to buy a television station could start broadcasting the Lord's name and purpose in vain. This is not the year to be playing it safe or resisting the urge to insulate oneself from the onslaught - and particularly not in the age of Dubya, when all men are created equal is more of a suggestion than a right for all Americans.

Social prognosticators assume that the pressure will mount in geometric proportions leading up to Christmas Eve, and then become savage on the day itself. In the mean time, our surveillance experts will be monitoring the airwaves for the first sign of a holiday message from The 700 Club or Scarborough Country, which could signal the end of days for the blue states. It is wise to remember that Pat Robertson has already invoked the special stigma attached to "welfare queens driving around in Cadillacs" who really never existed, and the feeling in our compound is that this is the opening salvo of a Christmas invasion.

"There was a time when young teenage girls from poor families, essentially black families, thought that they had a duty to have babies in order to get on the welfare rolls," Robertson said recently. "Because each baby was being paid two or three hundred dollars a month or more, and so they'd help support the family that way."

Team Gonzography cryptologists and its traffic analysis desk will continue to examine this sample of text. And further warnings will be issued, once the fundamentalist forces start massing in the distance. Which they will. We are absolutely confident that our way of life is at stake, if nothing else. What's past is prologue, and what we are facing now is the culmination that's been gathering for the last four years of Dubya ... the very twisted, degenerate, evil, menacing, criminal de-evolution of an entire generation gone batshit over too many failures and a broke-ass state. It will feel like a gigantic Spanish Inquisition rolled up with a little Salem Witch Trial, Conquest of the Aztecs and Rape of Nanking for a little flavor and pure reference. Civilizations have become ancient in the name of vindictive philistines claiming a special relationship to the God du jour.

What we are facing here is nothing less than the meltdown of Western society as we knew it - the utter collapse of another Empire gone insane on its own perpetual illusion - which is more than likely due to its own gluttonous appetite and twisted priorities. This disintegration is already under way. Everything Dubya has ever touched, either in business or politics, is doomed or on its way to being doomed, sooner or later.

But it sure will be sooner if the best alternative that can be mounted is a party of revisionist lunatics who have given up on everything except coexistence and a pathetic revival of every political strategy that landed us in this position in the first place. What a tragedy it is when you consider all the great things that were accomplished in the 1990s - including, among other achievements, a budget surplus, an obedient Pentagon, stability in the world, people at work in a growing economy with higher paying jobs - would somehow lead down to the decaying, filthy and mindless tunnel that is Dubya, Incorporated and his den of corporate cronies.

That is why Team Gonzography is advocating extreme measures during this holiday season and insists that these crapheads must be combated at every turn. There is serious business to deal with in the coming months, and these fuckers must be beaten down now if we want to live for a better day.

Riding out the storm,
Team Gonzography