Remember the English Language Terror Alerts

Since Kerry-Edwards 2004 has been pimping the need to check every cargo container and every cargo store in the US airfleet, a rational person can only expect another return of the terror alerts. You remember them. A spectrum of colors that point to the relative level of terrorist danger, and whether Tom Ridge wants us to go back and buy some more plastic sheets, duct tape and plenty of water until the military can sort things out.

The only guys to get rich off this scheme are the shareholders of Home Depot and Arthur Blank, CEO and part-time owner of the Atlanta Falcons. You buy the the goods, and Blank orders himself a couple of wide receivers and a linebacker to go with quarterback-phenom Michael Vick. Heck, it's the American Way - one man's ripoff is another man's paradise.

But back to the cargo inspection proposal by the Democratic challenger. Although a promising and far-reaching homeland security plan, it would be important that the first suspicious container to be inspected is an empty suit that governs from a bunker in Washington DC, the Preznut himself, Dubya. Please help us, John Kerry - help us help ourselves - before the Chimperor destroys the english language any further:

After listening to the litany of complaints and the dour pessimism, I did all I could not to make a bad face.
-- It sounds like it genuinely was hard for Dubya to avoid making faces during the debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 9, 2004

You see, he's proposed 2.2 trillion dollars of new spending. And say, you say "Well, how are you gonna pay for it?" He said, well, he's going to raise the taxes on the rich -- that's what he said -- the top two brackets. That raises, he says 800 billion. We say 600 billion. We've got battling green eye shades.
-- Nothing really wrong with this phrase (grammatically speaking, that is), it just sounds weird coming out of Dubya's mouth, Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

I don't think my opponent has got the right view about the world to make us safe. I really don't. First of all, I don't think he can succeed in Iraq. And if Iraq were to fail, it'd be a haven for terrorists, and there would be money and the world would be much more dangerous.
-- There would be money? Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

JAMES HUBB: Mr. President, how would you rate yourself as an environmentalist? What specifically has your administration done to improve the condition of our nation's air and water supply?
DUBYA: Off-road diesel engines. We have reached an agreement to reduce pollution from off-road diesel engines by 90 percent. I've got a plan to increase the wetlands by three million.
-- Three million what? Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

And so people are going to have to look at the record. Look at the record of the man running for the President.
-- If only he could have said "running for President" or "running for the Presidency", Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

And our strategy is clear. We're going to help the Iraqis. We're going to train Iraqis so they can do the hard work necessary for a free society to emerge. It's their country. We just want to stand with them as democracy comes to that piece of the world. And so we're training the troops. We'll have 125,000 police, Afghan National Army and army trained up by the end of December. It's an essential part of our strategy. We got $7 billion allocated for reconstruction efforts. We're working with a grand coalition. Some 30 nations are involved there in Iraq.
-- Dubya does it again, confusing Iraq and Afghanistan when he's talking about Iraq, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

It is naive and dangerous to take a policy that he suggested the other day, which is to have bilatarelations with North Korea.
-- This is what happens when Dubya tries to say "bilateral relations", Second Presidential Debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

Before he is permitted near the lectern in Tempe, Arizona on Wednesday night, he should be immediately worked over by a team of outsourced border security agents and, at the very least, given a full SAT to determine if he can meet the baseline 400 verbal score (or at least 79 on the Michigan English Language Assessment Battery). There are too many children watching at home and further dismantling of the English language will erode this nation's educational standards, outlined in the Preznut's "No Child Left Behind" legislation. If he needs language flash cards to help him through the testing, that's fine. Just no earpieces or illegal wires feeding him the answers. Secondly, transmitters monitoring most of the high-bandwidth frequencies must scour the airwaves for the voices of Karen Hughes and Karl Rove, to ensure that no fraternity pranks get in the way of a fair and equitable test procedure. In the event that the Preznut sprouts a radio transponder, ATF agents should be standing by to intervene at the first sign of trouble. Americans can not be put at further risk of another terrorist attack on the English language via remote device.