If Lumpy Rutherford Was A Dope Fiend

"All your life you've been kind of a pleasant slob," Eddie says to Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford. He is both bigger and dumber than his friends, older and less mature. Beaver refers to Eddie and Lumpy (a mind-boggling combo by anyone's estimation) as "Creeps Incorporated." In his own words, Lumpy admits, "I'm a mess."

He is older than Wally, and in the early episodes, he is the first bully that the Cleaver boys must deal with. Pretty soon his true cowardly, lumbering self shows through, and they see him for a kind of harmless buffoon. As he continues to "swell up," everybody gets a good laugh at Lumpy's expense, but as long as he's getting his three squares and a few snacks in-between and his father is not yelling at him to much, he's a happy enough boob, sporting a silly sort of dodo's grin. When things are going poorly, which is most of the time, he still whines for his "Daddy."

Lumpy's two prized possessions are his comic-book collection and his jalopy. His favorite preoccupation is getting fed, and he can more through eats like a thresher through wheat. His schoolwork is so poor that he is left back in high school, prompting Mr. Hyatt, his homeroom teacher, to remark that Lumpy is "making sophomore class his permanent home." Fred handicaps his college chances by trying to determine which instrument the state band is in short supply of, which is how Lumpy switches from clarinet to tuba, but what saves his enormous hide is his football guard-playing ability, which earns him a scholarship (which he almost loses because of his flunking grades).

There was another infamous episode where Beaver and Wally have been late to school every day because Lumpy Rutherford terrorizes them. Ward tells the boys how he once built a "bully trap" which shamed his bully into leaving him alone. The boys do the same thing to Lumpy, only he isn't the one who learns his lesson; Lumpy's father is the one who gets hurt and the boys have to confess what they have done.

Which leads us to another buffoon, also calling for his daddy (the preznut), Rush Limbaugh. He sure needs a daddy now because he has lost an appeal in court over illegally obtaining the prescription painkiller, oxycoton.

The state attorney's office in Palm Beach County has said Limbaugh is under investigation for possibly going from doctor to doctor to illegally buy the drugs, which is a felony in Florida.

Limbaugh, who has not been charged, has denied the accusation and accuses investigators of going on a fishing expedition in order to embarrass him.

Prosecutors seized Limbaugh's medical records in late November and early December of 2003. Authorities also seized Limbaugh's prescription records from several drugstores from which Limbaugh obtained 2,000 pills over six months, prosecutors said.

Lucky for Rush "Lumpy" Limbaugh, he now has the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is supporting the right-wing talk show host's position, arguing the outcome could affect doctor-patient confidentiality. The subtle irony is brilliant. But at least we now have a visual of Lumpy Rutherford being a dope fiend - bloating, simple, whining and hopeless, all in the same breath.