Thursday, December 23, 2004

Idiots Brought Weeping to Their Knees

Well ... the preznut broke into another of his gross motor stylings the other day, or at least that's what the opposition says when he busts a blood vessel or starts showing symptoms of Tourette's Syndrome on network television, and while the final conclusion is a bit hazy because of complications arising from an out-of-date drug test, it is safe to assume that his urological functions are normal. If problems arise, Dubya will be whisked off to Crawford for a long period of detoxification and given another chance to pass the annual drug screening test.

It's really not a big deal, and somewhat inevitable. There are a ton of strong narcotics being used in the White House these days leading up to Christmas, as always when a nation is at war and the entire Islamic world knows your preznut has a "Jesus Scare" in his heart, but Dubya will never be tested for these kinds of drugs. Traces of haldol or viagra or high dosage treatments of antibiotics may be revealed in the lab, but there would never be a hint of crystal meth, ecstacy or black tar heroin. The doctors at the Bethesda Naval Clinic would never allow the preznut's urine to be tested that way - and besides, just to keep matter clean there is always a CIA stand-in who could donate the sample for him.

The preznut would only admit to using legal drugs, the ones produced by a multi-billion-dollar industry that has in its glorious past hawked almost anything with a lethal side effect or low grade buzz, everything from Thalidomide in the 1960's because of birth defects like shorter limbs and an extra nose or two and Lotronex in 1997 for causing deadly intestinal conditions and the diabetes drug Rezulin in 2000 because it caused severe liver damage. There are now a series of designer growth hormones on the market today that would make Victor Conte blush with envy - by prescription only - that could beef up Jenna to the size of Andre the Giant in roughly two months, if she suddenly got the urge to join the ranks of Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. Of course, everyone is doing a bit of Smackdown in Iraq this Christmas at Camp Speicher, just north of Saddam Hussein’s hometown of Tikrit, and the WWE would never surrender the prime opportunity of joining Donald "Redrum" Rumsfeld for a little holiday cheer with some reluctant participants of "Operation Oil Ain't Free".

The emotional show featured heart-warming footage of troops telling their personal stories as well as video of the Superstars interacting with the soldiers. WWE visited more than 15 different bases while in Iraq, touching heroic troops who were defending some of the most dangerous outposts in the country. And the troops did see some nice wrestling action as well, led by Undertaker’s rematch with Heidenreich, the unstable monster who has twice cost Taker a shot at the WWE Championship. As usual, Heidenreich was unpredictable, deciding to leave the ring once Undertaker got the upper hand, eventually getting counted out.

All things are possible in the sordid worlds of professional wrestling and high stakes politics if you know the right doctors - or even a few wrong ones too, of course, like the whack-jobs who tested LSD-25 and super-hallucinogens such as BZ on combat troops to see if they could handle shock treatment and the psychological and physiological limitations of interrogation, or the twisted history of unethical quacks who worked over several state prison populations with enough mescaline and acid to make a petty shoplifter become a rabid sex offender, just to see what would happen with the brain chemistry, as it were. The walls of human equilibrium can be mighty narrow given the proper narcotics and intentions, if necessary ... An average sized Iraqi fruit stand vendor could be made to look and perform like Jevon Kearse of the Philadelphia Eagles with the right treatment plan and a crash course on the 4-3 defense.

Not everybody is in favor of these blind leaps of faith into the Iraqi countryside during the holiday season - but there are always the righteous believers in this doomed mission and they will push the limits of good common sense, in the name of the greater good and their governmental careers, and it is hard to keep them from pressing ahead. It would serve the hard pessimist to remember that they all laughed at the Wright Brothers, and for the better part of his adult life Ronald Reagan was regarded as a B-movie dunce with a memory problem who couldn't amount to anything in the world of politics.

It is also worth noting that Rumsfeld touched down about a stone's throw from the WWE to deliver his own holiday greetings amid tight security at an air base in northern Iraq where an insurgent’s attack killed 14 U.S. troops and eight other people earlier this week. Hoping to demonstrate a new level of compassion for the troops’ sacrifices - since tossing aside the rubber stamp he once used to sign his name on the condolence letters sent to military families - Redrum landed in darkness and bolted immediately from his plane to a combat surgical hospital where many of the bombing victims were treated after Tuesday’s lunchtime attack on a mess tent.

“The focus of the trip is to thank the troops and wish them a Merry Christmas,” he said.

Several high-profile rethug chickenhawks have publicly criticized Redrum, prompting the preznut to defend him Monday as a “good human being who cares deeply about the military and deeply about the grief that war causes.” But Dubya is not really concerned with Redrum's longevity these days; he will be long gone from the Big House by the time the real shitstorm hits in Iraq, and the final National Intelligence Estimate on the fallout will be presumably left in the hands of nauseating, lesser known political banshees - like Bill Frist, Rudi Guilliani, or even Pat Robertson if he decides to throw his hat in the ring for another run with the infidels.

But so what? Dubya may even take a couple more whacks at the root right after Christmas. Perhaps a bombing campaign to honor Nixon's "rolling thunder" operation in Cambodia.. The entire length of the Potomac River will bubble like a stream of newly liberated lava when the child preznut takes his next dose of klonopin to control the shakes and tries to offer his simple theological rants back down in the bunkers of the Pentagon, which is now spending about a billion dollars a day to keep the elections on a crash course with widespread Jihad in the month of January.

Even John McCain and Stormin Norman Schwarzkopf are becoming as antsy, and they were there when this ride had training wheels. Asked about his confidence in the secretary’s leadership, McCain recalled fielding a similar question a couple weeks ago. “I said no. My answer is still no. No confidence,” McCain said.

Schwarzkopf, interviewed on MSNBC-TV’s Hardball, criticized Redrum for his reply to a soldier in Kuwait over the lack of armor on many military vehicles used in Iraq. “I was very, very disappointed — no, let me put it stronger — I was angry by the words of the secretary of defense when he laid it all on the Army, as if he, as the secretary of defense, didn’t have anything to do with the Army and the Army was over there doing it themselves, screwing up,” Schwarzkopf said. “In the final analysis, I think we are behind schedule in Iraq ... I don’t think we counted on it turning into jihad.”

If you think the current specter of violence in Iraq is horrific, wait until you see the Sunnis and Shiites and Iranian-sponsored factions do battle for control of the polls on a scale not seen since Beirut in the 1980s. It's even even scaring Tom Friedman of The New York Times, who has as much credibility on this topic as Kurt Waldheim's childhood dedication to Judiasm. "We may lose because of the defiantly wrong way that Donald Rumsfeld has managed this war," an outraged Friedman now states, "and the cynical manner in which Dick Cheney, George Bush and - with some honorable exceptions - the whole Republican right have tolerated it. Many conservatives would rather fail in Iraq than give liberals the satisfaction of seeing Mr. Rumsfeld sacked."

Then again, you could always see the right doctor or tune in for some WWE Smackdown in Iraq. In a land of laughter and forgetting, the pill pusher is king.


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