Strange Letters from Election Fiends

Listen, buddy ... team gonzography has no apologies to make for the outspoken or tasteless manner by which it comments upon sacred or delicate theopolitical issues facing the electorate. It is our stated opinion that parents' fake ideas of subtlety or their willful belief that "my circle of friends is above such thoughts or actions" often prevent them from learning and disrupting the joys of democratic thoughts in their offspring.

For instance, tell them don't worry about their grades. Nobody will give a flying be-Jesus about what kind of grades you got in high school. Grades only help you get into Harvard and Yale - unless you're connected, like Dubya - and if you end up in one of these schools, everybody will hate your guts and think you're gay.

So don't complain to me about the high cost of gas and ammo, buddy. I know all about it. It's hard to satisfy the millions of Rethug readers of gonzography whose collective intelligence could fill a teaspoon. This reader angst can best be summed up by the following letters I've received.

Team G: 
You know what I found out the other day? It took about five months, but I discovered that when I do shows on a sexual topic, the women grab the microphone and fondle it in suggestive ways - all subconsciously. I’ve even seen them run their fingers up and down the shaft. Sometimes they even play with the head, where the switch is. I swear it’s for real, by golly, because I’ve studied the videotapes, which I could send you if you want. 
Dr. Phil

Gonzo-guys: 
Please, if you have any Vietnam vets stories laying around that you’re not going to use, we sure could use them. It’s almost time for the 2008 Election and our ratings are just hitting the floor on MSNBC. 
Scarborough Enterprises 
Somewhere in the Panhandle hanging with Jeb, Florida

Gentlemen:  
I wonder if the rethugs would still be mad if it had been six million muslims. True?  
H. Himmler  
No Relation  
A Shanty Town near Buenos Aires, Argentina

Editors of Gonzography:  
Wowza! I was really thinking that we wouldn’t become capitalists in time for me to dig that Britney Spears. Like, I was scared that I’d reach adulthood and join the army and get married and toil in a bicycle factory. Now I have MTV, Survivor and Fear Factor and I am thinking of directing porno movies.  
Wun Tun Fun  
Shanghai, China

Friends: 
What's the worst thing you can put in your mouth? I've heard varying opinions on this during the election cycle. I need to know because I'm thinking of becoming a Catholic. 
Andrew Sullivan
Somewhere in Blogland with a Yummy Aryan

Freaks: 
I just woke up with the hugest, most terrifying thing in my thong. Are you guys missing an editor? 
Jenna Bush 
Air Force One

Gonzolads:  
Bam! I’m the Tostada Assassin, California’s newest thrill murderer. I’m a white male, high-school educated, early forties, divorced, into group, religious fundamentalism, and mud baths. Want my MO? I strike other liberated fellas who share my lifestyle. I usually attack with a wedge of frozen guacamole that melts, leaving no physical evidence. I’ve also tried zucchini beatings, celery spears stabbings, and pasta garrottings. Lately I’ve been digging my new Cuisinart. I always leave a garnish of parsley and sprinkle of essence as my calling card. If you get whacked by me, you’re the asshole.  
Emeril
Rancho Bernardo, CA

Incoherent hacks:  
As much as I like your blog, if I had the chance to read a new entry from it or push the petal on a cute young chick, I would take the cute young broad.  
George Will  
Washington DC 
P.S. I’d bang an old, ugly broad, too, before I would read your blog, unless it was late at night and Cokie was the last thing at the bar. 

Hey Boys: 
I’m not worried about my career once my singing days are done. I’m gonna open up a finishing school for eloq...for articu ...for speaking just as good as me. 
Jessica Simpson 
Lost Angel, CA

Editor-in-Chief: 
You want to know what disgusts me? I hate it when you peel a banana and then there’s those stringy banana things stuck on the inside that you have to pick off. Long, stringy banana snots or something! Now I'm gonna go hurl. 
Not Jenna Bush
Also on Air Force One

Dudes:  
I’ve been invited to a sex orgy at the home of a dirty tricks friend of mine from the campaign trail. I’ve never been to one of these shin-dings before, so I don’t know the appropriate dress code. How about a flannel nighty with a plastic belt and a gold pendant with my birthstone and astrological sign sound? Should I bring a dessert or a fruit platter with me?
Karl Rove
Planning in the Eagles Nest

Sirs: 
I'm not out of work, I'm between blow jobs. 
Monica Lewinsky
Can You Leave Me Alone Now, USA

Dear Valued Customer(s): 
We at Overstock.com are always interested in keeping up with the unique buying patterns of ethnic minorities. Therefore, starting this month we are featuring a bridal registry designed for the young Hispanic bride.  Below is an incomplete list of the items we are recommending to guests in need of gift ideas: 
1. Day-glo spray paint 
2. Black-velvet paintings of Jose Feliciano
3. Monogrammed jumper cables 
4. Styrofoam cups and saucers
5. Clear high-heeled shoes and red push-up bras
The sexy lady on the commerical
Cyberspace, USA

Boys: 
Okay, so I'm not Ashleigh Banfield in the looks department. But my chest was done by the same meat grinder that Anna Nicole used. Anna looks like an older version of me with a pair of donuts shoved up her nose, right? Well, grab your socks and hold your cocks. She is Ashton Kutcher's mother.  
She gave birth to the kid in El Paso, Texas, and the father is George Bush, the father. I could have given this piece of sordid evidence to Kitty Kelly, but the Scott Peterson trial is almost over and I seriously need the bucks. 
The Court TV Lady with the really, really huge nostrils
Nashville, TN